My diary

The hospital, a forbidden place for me, I don’t know what I might be attracting, for Instance, I can sense an Ambulance near me, I can sense souls, and I don’t think Hospital is a safe place for me. And some people are trying to manipulate me to get there to influence me, to fill me with unwanted things. That’s why I pray to God, Sree Hari to deplete me from those energies.

I prayed, that’s all I know, all the time, had no interest in doing anything else, while doing so, something interesting happened, my third eye got opened, it was all I needed, the doorway to everything I ever need for, the door way to chakras, the doorway to both good and evil. That’s how I recovered from the damage that some people did to me. That’s how I beaten the need for sleep, the need for food, and that’s how I’m surviving. That’s how I beat my odds.

Why I’m smiling right now? Because I sacrificed something called sleep and it went on for so long that I forgot about it, and I’m living under the false notion that my life is ok. This is not ok, and one day I need it to stop. I asked for help when I realised what they were doing to me, and I never saw them again. Then, after a while, they came up after realizing that I was doing ok. The damage has been already done, if they had helped me at that time, I wouldn’t be this frozen. It was hard waking up for me, every morning, coaching myself to get back upon my feet, because I had no one when I needed the support the most, to get my thoughts straight. Now, I remember that’s how I died. That’s when I stopped showing emotions. I wasn’t talking about just a day, still I don’t feel anything when I’m talking about the damage, that’s how deep it is. If it was someone else, either this would have been a haunted home or living upstairs by then. But I wasn’t asking help type, I never asked help

It’s sad when I think about myself, I’m not me, how is it possible? I knew myself very well, he was my most favourite, he was so kind and down to earth, he had no enemies, he saw a friend in everyone he met, he saw good in everyone, and he saw himself in everyone he got to know. That’s why his life was so hard, he thought everyone was same as him. He was never rude to anyone, he never lied, he was always alone, but it never hurt him, he was so used to the solitude, he was always joyful, he liked to joke, always having fun at even his cost, very active. Now, I don’t joke, maybe it’s the part of growth, packed with brutal honesty, doesn’t smile much, he was the opposite of everything I said, he was fun, always smiling, people pleaser, he liked funny people who doesn’t take life much seriously, he was so lovely. Praised by all, center of attraction, very unique, but he hated it. He wanted praises to stop when most of the people were craving for it. When somebody talked shit about him, he

I still remember the night I shed tears when I listened to this music, I knew there was something, I wouldn’t cry without a reason. Last night, it came true, I was dying. Not anymore. I can’t go into details, it’s our little secret. This is my second chance, and I don’t want to continue what I’ve been doing, that’s the deal. Everyone thinks I’m editing myself, but actually, the truth is I’m a teenager, there is still aplenty to go, I even doubt if I’m 18. Yes, I’m growing up, but age is still a number, I have experiences that goes far beyond my age. It was deep, I don’t think there was a chance of survival that deep. I don’t know if that was the reason for my stunted growth. Everything changed when I started to pray years ago, the two molars who have been hiding under my skin came out, you can see I’m not the same person anymore, but that’s not the only thing that grew with it. Everything grew, both good and bad, and last night it was critical. Whoever that caused me the changes in b

My thoughts when I realized some features of mine were robbed from me. There is more to life than an hour of pleasure, things that people miss when enjoying a normal life, I wasn’t sad partly because of I forgot how it felt, because a year or ten months before I promised myself to commit in studies, so I never found out, but it had its bright sides, the trauma was less severe. Then I looked around the life around me, and I noticed it’s not the same as we grow up, the things we enjoy when we are young. They are no longer passionate, it doesn’t mean I won’t be passionate, it is that their understanding is better, and they will be knowing each other really well, and with kids, their future kids, things get a little busier, and these things rarely happens when I will be rocking my life. The things I could do, the possibilities are endless, I didn’t blame anyone, I thought it was mostly because of my medicines, I never doubted anyone because I came too far from the events almost a year, at

To be honest, I don’t like being forced. You have to learn to respect people’s decision. No means no don’t make it worse, you will only cause hate and suffocation. And you did that enough. Even if I’m saying this, I know you are having a life with husband and children, it must be someone else’s play to keep me in the circle. If you check my earlier documents, you can find yourself getting teared away, but I didn’t mean any of it, it is just that I want it to be stopped. I’m being tortured endlessly, it’s been ten years, I’m a human, I deserve freedom. I don’t carry hate towards anyone, in your case too, it’s not any different. People are bent on making me hate you, according to me, we parted ok, however cruel you were, by denying me a fair conversation. I would even like to get a glimpse of you from far away other than the shape shifters roaming around me to know you are doing well. Whoever is doing it, please be fair, just stop. Actually, I signed off really well by praying for you, t

How terrifying is the situation in which people throw away the textbooks of children and make their situation worse for their continuation of their education. Sadly, that’s what my enemies are doing. They are the fucking psychopaths here, though they always try to prove I’m the one. They must be ashamed of themselves. Everyone’s welcome to make myself the demon at the snap of fingers, but at the end they are the ones ending up as demons by doing so. Admit it, you can’t win in a straight game, you have to stab people from behind to do so. Cowards.

One can get some peace of mind from the sins they have done by asking forgiveness. They had the courage to commit that sin, they must show the backbone to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. That’s how changes happen, that’s how justice gets to the victim. Maybe the culprits got screwed up all by themselves, and there is nothing left, but still it doesn’t make the above said wrong. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you brave, and that’s how you grow up. And you will live a better life. I had no need to pursue that mail draft, I had no need to visit you, and I did things beyond that without the knowledge of the world. But because of all that, though I was hurt badly beyond measure, I’m living happily and I’m in peace. Deep inside, I knew I have tried. And I was brave, I didn’t cave in. Now, I have moved on and I’m moving forward taking one step after another without the burden of the past.

It’s about my musical journey. I wasn’t this addicted to music at my beginning days. Then one day, I happened to listened to Backstreet Boys, suddenly my world lit up, I was drowning in that music, it gave me some kind of weird energy, then I accidently watched music from other artists on TV, and my heart started beating suddenly. To be honest, it’s not like I hate native music, it’s that the repeat button is always off. Before I was fifteen, I barely listened to music. A small exception is the Hindi music, but there also, there was no repeat button. Then, my life changed when Linkin Park came to the stage, it was power, I never had it in my life before. When it came to devotion, it’s only recently I started listening, after 2020. Maybe I should have listened to it so much early in my life, then my life wouldn’t have been this difficult.

I miss my old days when there was no pressure to do anything, this is what I choose to do. It was so rewarding. Maybe I didn’t attain materialistic, but I was healing. It’s nice coming back once again to relive those days, one of the reasons I wanted so badly to retire from the rat run. Imagine closing your eyes, forgetting the existence of the world around you, and retreat for a very long, long time. Peaceful existence, not wanting anything, not needing anything, just something you get when IV is running through your veins, a certain high where no narcotics can match. And you will ask, money? What is that thing?

One day, we decided to get a cat for our home, the cat was so cute that my brother tied it in front of our front door to not run away anywhere. Hours passed, and it started to struggle, it wanted freedom so badly, but we were not ready to let go. We were kids, we thought if we loosen the knot, we would never see her again. Then the night came, we got her inside and let her be free, still she wasn’t ready to stay inside, but we didn’t mind that. The next morning when we woke up, she was gone. We don’t know how she did it, the only possibility was the lengthy air hole in our home. The lesson we learned; we can’t force anyone to stay.

I used to like the warmth of fire, I liked sunsets more than sunrise, the warmth they give in without hurting us, keeping us wanting more till it disappears down the horizon. I liked both half an hour before sunrise and sunsets, such a majestic view, such pleasantness to our eyes. Back when I was a kid, they used to give my hair a golden color, and I liked it so much. You feel what true warmth is when you walk into a temple surrounded by oil lamps, fully lit, it's amazing to be in that moment. But now I don't know if things have changed to me. Did someone blow my fire away, now everything feels so cold. Is there light still left in me, maybe no one noticed me at the end of the tunnel, and I froze. Would fire accept me anymore or burn me instead of the warmth it gave. Do I have to stay in the shadows from now on? Is there a return? Who did this to me? One day I will walk straight into the fire, cause I'm fire now frozen to ice. That day I will breathe again.

X, all of my friends think that there was something going on between us. Yeah, we were attracted to each other, but it only lasted for days. We were like dating, just talked few exchanges, learned in the same tuition centre. And one day she said something horrible through my friends, it was hurtful, but it didn't cost me anything. If she had told me like a civilized person, it would have ended very well. Still, I regretted not asking her and confirming did she really say that, and I didn't deserve that. I wasn't like begging for a relationship, I was cool to be friends. I don't carry hatred towards anyone, that's why not just this girl, any girl had no impact in my life, I have an active life, and there was no pain at all, I just turn on the music and I forget everything. I will explain how that attraction came to be, like everyone there, when I entered that place, I too checked out all the beautiful girls in there, then one day two of my school friends asked about

Winds, when do I like them most? afternoon to evening, back when I was in school, they used to make me unconscious, now they are my favorite companion. I have seen wind chimes in many homes, I would like one here, it has some effect on my health, it's so relaxing. They tell me stories, and we write word by word together, I have heard many times about the partnership between the writer and coffee, but in my case it's different. I'm with the wind. 

I don't know what's wrong with the food here. Whatever I eat from here, the next minute I feel weak, it takes so much time to regain my health back. I can't function too much with an empty stomach, but that's the time I'm at my best. At night, I don't think there is much to worry about, but mornings and afternoons, there is something going on. The water purifier here always stays empty, at first, I thought it was the battle going on between two ladies here, now I get it, it's the dust. After a while, the stored water becomes undrinkable. Some people here carry steel water bottle here, the privileged ones, others like me has to wait for each time to get water. Developed nation it is. There was supposed to be a beautiful well in front of our house, but because of the road authorities and their lavish need for planting some wildflowers in the middle of the road, we couldn't keep it. And we have to dug 400 metres down for the bore well, another genius idea f

I want to see how her story unfold. One day, life will make her pray, that’s when she dies. She will be one among us from then on. Right now, she is in a coma, unable to wake up, living a fictional world inside her head, living in the present, without the burden of the past. May she wake up when the time demands. We are waiting for her arrival; we will be arranging a grand reception for her. When will she pray, either she faces dangers or in peril, that’s the first, the second is she achieves everything she desires, and have nothing else to do, and she prays to God, because she is old, copying everyone who gets old. What do I want? I prefer the second, why? What good is the movie, if climax is horrible. Then it will be too late for her to correct her mistakes, the moment when she understands what she has done, how meaningless her life has been, the painful last days of her life, so miserable. The problem with them her or whoever it is, even though they are suffering, they are not cha

Some people think keeping me out of library will keep me away from the love of books. But I don’t want to have an entire library to myself. I can’t hope to read every book written in this world. I paint often, but I don’t use the whole set of brushes, just a few of them. I want to travel, but that doesn’t mean I want to know every nook and corner of this world, just a temporary stay somewhere far from home and come back when I misses the home. But some people are opposite to this without understanding the depth of what they are saying without thinking. No matter how far you go, there will come a point you miss the home, you can’t roam forever. When it comes to books, I used to finish one to two books per week, but I stopped, I knew what I was aiming was impossible, I just opted for a small bookshelf instead for the whole library. Now I don’t want to read new books very often, I want to go back to my favorite ones and read them again.

Back when in my academic years, I didn’t understand many terms my friends used. But now I do, they were so dirty. And I was too clean. I asked none about what actually they meant, I had the slightest idea, but I was so busy in other things, I loved music, I had no time, now I understand they weren’t so clean. This is how I grown up, had help from none, had to discover all by myself. When the first anomaly happened, I thought I was sick, then I forgot about it, and one day I blew the rocket. Still, nothing’s changed, but that’s what made me who I’m today, it trained me to think. Maybe people think I’m too extreme, because I’m so raw, I don’t know how others work, everything I did, I did according to what I felt right. And that’s how I fell, but I’m recovering from the damage, spreading my wings, to fly once again.

My situation asks me to rush, but I like this going slow. There is something about being an artist, I don’t need loads of cash, just enough. And in return I get to live my life in peace. Look at the things I have now, wind, music, what else do I need? Money, after a certain limit is just numbers, I even planned to retire after some time, so much early than my fellow human beings. What if I don’t have much time left, what if the world is about to end in three days, would any of it matter? Sometimes, I think, home schooling was better in my life, why spend twenty-five years of our precious life learning things others found out, when we can find our life purpose and knowledge on our own. Looking back, I don’t remember much from my school life, I’m still the same, raw.

I thought there was something broken inside me, something that need fixing, but what need fixing was my soul. He is broken, and he is not willing to cooperate until he sees justice for what happened to us. Now, we have begun to crawl out of the ditch we have fallen into, and I can see why it wasn’t happening. We saw hell together, and they guided us back for we are not supposed to be there. So, we came back, broken. We asked for hell for we know heaven won’t accommodate us for such deaths. We are here, fighting our way back, but changed, tears change people. Now, we are dreaming for that union once we had. A dream unfulfilled. I don’t know when that moment happens, but we are waiting, to put the past behind, to wake up together.