I want to tell you this.

It was sweet, the way you slaughtered them, the way you warned them, the way you kissed me at that night, it was all great memories. I can’t get enough of seeing you, the way you look at me, that staring, it’s other worldly. I can see you everywhere, even the wind talks about you, my life is no longer boring, you lit me up. I don’t know what would have happened If you were not in my life…

Fake friends

If they can’t find a fault in you, they will magnify the petty things you say, creating the faults they needed and then publishes in the newspaper, this has been some people’s approach towards me. No matter how hard they tried, they were failing to find anything wrong in me and they had to really try hard to attack me. But, on the other side, all I cared was not to stop talking because it reminded me of my childhood, and they were so busy in twisting the words I say and making it seem like I said something really bad. I never asked myself why they were doing such things, I thought maybe I was the one who needed to change. So, I went down to their level, and they used to beat me with their experience. And I called them friends.

One day I told someone things about me, for I never wanted him to hear things about me from another person, maybe I thought he was my best buddy, and I was so relieved after telling him such things. But it was not totally true, I told him in favor of what I was going for at that time. So, I gave a little more weight to What I was aiming for. Truth saying, I still don’t remember exactly what I said at that time. When I go over and over about their characters, I’m very much sure that they would have twisted the things I said. Maybe they replaced me with themselves and would have thought about, what they would have done if they were at my position, and that’s where they were totally wrong. They saw me through their dirty perspective and called it facts. As days progressed, I got a clearer picture of them, for they cut me off, when I was at peril, they left me to rot, and they never tried to listen to what I wanted to say. They forgot me even after telling my situation at that time.

Colors

I don’t know much about colors and what they do, the room I’m sitting right now is painted yellow, and its emitting so much heat even if the climate outside is good. Once, the sun goes down, the heat gets intense, I don’t know why it happens, I know there are warm colors and yellow is one of them, but the heat dissipated is very intense.

There is another room in my home which is painted green, and its chilly, and it gets a lot chillier when the night falls. When you sleep in there, things are not the same, you can feel the shadows moving when you close your eyes, that room is useless and unhabitable. Another bad thing about the room is that it is located above three graves. My parents claim that its not a problem, for they done the needed rituals to overcome that, but I don’t think it worked, for I saw one of the members in that grave in my bathroom. At first, that room used to lure me, because it was so spacious, but I found out the fact that it was unhabitable by experimenting to try sleeping there. No matter how hard I tried, sleeping was impossible, I tried bathing after failing to sleep, still it didn’t work. The strange thing about is that I chose the color for that room, actually that color was never in my concept, then why I chose that color is that few of my friends were discussing some photographs and they were showing me the color of their rooms, that’s how I even considered that color. It’s like a guest room for the wandering ghosts, and my house is a magnet for them.

What I'm feeling right now.

 

Magic won't work!

They thought they can do anything with magic, and that’s where they lost completely. My parents used to say, things will happen when its time, I didn’t understand that completely then. I don’t say that there is no truth in it, but my enemies are trying to make things happen by rewiring my brain whenever it comes necessary, and for that they are using magic, the kind of magic that involve making the air around me toxic, and worms that injects poison more to your mind than your body. A few years back, I used to believe that these thoughts are from my mind and danced according to their wants, but now, these things no longer work, and I know they are frustrated, for they are lost inside their own paradox. Now, the only option they got left is to accept the situation that there is no way out and move on.

Healing

A few years back, I had no idea about what to do with my life. Then I started praying, and slowly, moved like a tortoise, taking each step without caring about how fast the world is moving. Before I started praying, I used to get overwhelmed and anxious about my future, but everything changed when God entered into my life, I started to take one hour at a time instead of one day at a time. That step changed my life in miraculous ways. Then it grew, one hour became two, then to three and went up as days passed and God continued to help me until I was fit to sit on the driver seat. Now, I’m driving my vehicle even though there are small hiccups, but I can manage that.

I was a lost kid, wandering in the wild not knowing what to do, but God found me, and from then on, I started to change, my wounds started to heal, gained new perspectives to life, and my life was never the same. What would have happened if that didn’t happen? I would have distracted myself from all the hurt and lived like there was nothing wrong with my life, and one day I would have collapsed. Luckily, that didn’t happen, and I don’t feel heavy as my life used to be.

The truth

Now, you have a proper understanding of where they stand. I was a prisoner there for four years, and I was on the edge of escaping there unharmed, but somehow, they got to me psychologically. I was making my future secure by chasing an answer, I had nothing going on within me. I don’t care what happens in their story, what ugly turns they take, it's all their doing and they have to deal with it. From the start of the day one, I was never participating in their drama, and they were living in their own fictional world. They were creating stories, stitching events, and tell me why should I care? It’s still the same, why should I care? All I want them to do is to keep their shit out of my life. When I was chasing those answers, I caught up in that drama, to tell the truth, they had assistance, still I had the feeling inside me that I was forcing myself, but it wasn’t enough, I started to take everything as a challenge, that’s where things went upside down and I promise there were no feelings involved. Once the air was clean, I was like always, happy and joyful. They had assistance all around from the air to the people in my home, and they were manipulating me effectively. Suppose, If I hadn’t took up the cause to get an answer, I would have struggled like I did something bad, however small that is, I cleared my path, and for that I had to pay a big price. And what I received in return is that I’m in a good mental space, no worries, always happy and joyful.

Even that answer finding quest was a manipulation of air. Otherwise, why would I even do that? I still have no idea why I did that? It was a total manipulation. When we pass on the road, how many people goes by, I would never try to find an answer with them, then why did I look for an answer with her? I have never even looked her for even ten minutes in the entire four years. When I look back, I still can’t believe myself.

Why did they lie?

When this home was built, everyone in my family said, it was built facing the east, and they thought I wouldn’t notice and wouldn’t care to examine that fact. Actually, it was built facing the west, why? Why did they lie? They lived more than sixty years in this world, and I found it hard to believe that it was a mistake. I found them boasting to many people in front of me that it was built facing east. If it was told once, it would have been easy to ignore. Because of the direction it is facing, at daytime, west winds come rushing bringing things with them which are hard to explain in words. One thing which I’m sure is that whatever that comes with the wind, it's not good, the air that comes with the wind has something chilly in it, it's cold.

Wake-up call

When I entered that college, unbelievable things started to happen, from the color of the uniform to everything. Was the universe conspiring against me or certain bastards were plotting against me? A year before I entered that college, the color of the uniform was blue, then it suddenly got changed to grey. It made their job a lot easier, suffocating me, making me helpless. And they had the numbers against me, but still they ended up as a complete failure. But it was a wake-up call for me, reminding me that if there is good, there is evil too, a fact I was ignorant of.

Memories

One of the interesting memories of my childhood was showering in the rain. I don’t think I could enjoy rain like that now, for such homes are fast disappearing. Now everyone is building their houses in another fashion, forgetting those classic designs, what if the new generation throws away the concept of terraces, and stick to our old designs, the ones without the rain gutter.

As I move forward, my life is getting simple, my dreams are getting less luxurious and I’m starting to like myself more. I don’t want to live in bungalow’s, all I need is a home which takes me back to my childhood. The way I used to enjoy certain things; I want to relive it again.

When we had the privilege to live in such beautiful homes, we dream of big homes and the opposite when we are actually living in it. However small the home was, it was filled with a lot of good memories. It had life. 

Happy with my lifestyle

What would have happened, if everything went right in my life? I would have lived a totally different life, like everyone else, without having time for myself, working like a robot till retirement. I think this is better, even though I collected a lot of scars on the way. Now, things which seemed impossible to me in the past is very much possible. From reading books, listening to music for hours to even painting, I don’t think if my life was perfect, these things would have been possible.

I may not be living with much materialistic possessions, but I’m happy with my lifestyle. I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I’m the one who should be deciding how to spend my time, the only thing I have with me.

Some people stole that from me some time ago, and I don’t want to give them anymore of it. 

Everything happens for a reason

The things which I left unsaid, is coming to light, thanks to God. God saved me from that dynamite for a reason, which I understand it fully now. What would have happened otherwise? My life would have been ruined. He heard conversations which I didn’t hear and kept me ten steps ahead of them, but in some places, God left me in peril to save me from perishing. Now, I know why God let somethings happen.

On those last days

I saw desperation in them, for their plans were getting nowhere. They thought I was like everyone, and I would fall for their trap. Days were ticking and their time was running out, they were clueless. Till then they were doing it in an indirect way, but it didn’t work like they expected. So, they shifted gears and started doing in an open way. Their world lit up when I decided to help, putting the weights on my shoulder, and they thought it was going on for the last four years. Actually, I was doing them a favor and they were so stupid to not understand that. On that basis, they planned ahead, building their dreams, without even knowing the foundation was too weak. The cost of being over-smart, I guess.

 

Vakratunda mahakaya

 

This is special, it's because it taught me one thing, how to cry. I don't know why I cried listening to it, but it was uncontrollable. From then on, we had many sessions together, teaching me just to do that. It was therapeutic. There was magic in it.

A message

Nambikadroham, that’s how all of you beat me. Backstabbing, another word that suits what you have done. Otherwise, do you think you had a chance against me? One day, it will happen to you, and you will know how helpless one can become when one trusts the other so blindly. When you see a child holding her mother’s hand, you can see the trust she places on her mother, she doesn’t need to think where her mother is taking her. What if that trust betrays her? Does she have any choice? That’s the same thing happened to me, and it could happen to you. So, don’t be so proud about your actions, one day the deeds you did will be served to you. That’s how Karma works. Wait for your turn, and you are going to remember me.

Listening

I used to hear music a lot whenever I was free, but I was only hearing, not listening. They never let me listen to anything and I was only catching bits and pieces, unable to understand what the songs was all about. They controlled everything about my life, and I was helpless, then one day, I started praying. From that day onwards, my life has never been the same.

My experience with God

I used to go to temple for giving a list, the things I want to achieve in my life, it was mostly a robotic conversation often repeating two or three times like it was recorded from my home. Then, something terrible happened in my life, and I was struggling with it for a long time, I even closed my doors to the outside world. Days passed, years passed, and I couldn’t recover from the damage, then one day I had the opportunity to visit a place, when I was there, I didn’t know what to pray, all I could feel was my lips trembling. That was a special day in my life, I never experienced such emotions before that moment, maybe that changed my life in unbelievable ways. From then on, I stopped giving the list like my family taught me. Instead, I began to talk like normal conversation, and that was different, I no longer had to memorize from home what I had to pray.

Don't go in there!

Toilets in my home is something I hate, not because of the dirt like everyone will expect, it’s the invisible things that enter my body. When I was a kid, my brother used to tell me that he does all the thinking when he was at the toilet, I didn’t understand it then. Once you use the toilet, they start talking inside your head, making you see things which are not the product of your imagination. At first, I used to believe those things and thought that it was coming from my imagination, but it was not. I have outgrown their techniques, and each time I go inside, I know what they are going to tell me.

Music

Music can be used as a weapon to revive someone from the ashes or to destroy someone completely. My life had such an experience when I was going through a tough time, my enemies used it against me, worsening my condition, forcing emotions into me, giving so much hard times. They have shown such an inhumane character which is nothing short of disgusting. When I wake up, they play music in my head, building bad emotions in me, taking advantage of my situation and they didn’t even let me sleep properly. After doing such horrible things, they are coming for truce, how should I react? Shouldn’t I slap them?

They had everything under their control, my folks at home, my smartphone – including access to what I see in my social media accounts, and even what song that should be playing in my head. That’s how they screwed me, tailoring what I see at certain occasions, playing songs in my head which is nothing related to my taste of music. At that time, I didn’t understand that there was someone who they should be accountable to. I wish I had known it then.

My proposal

Would you complete me by becoming my thorns? I don’t want to be a rose without you. For so long, I was defense less and everyone was tearing my petals away for fun. It would be a reminder to everyone who approaches me with the intention to destroy me for their enjoyment. Would you be with me forever?

Me and my solitude

Am I a fake? I spend ninety-five percentage of my free time in solitude, and the rest was never enough to know someone else. If I had talked more with anyone, I would have known more about myself.  The five- percentage life was only filled with formal talks, never touching the feelings, only random jokes and all smiles. Noone knows me, not even me. There is still so much to discover in this book of mine, so many pages to turn, and I don’t know what those pages might tell.

My college life

When I entered that college, I hoped to put an end to the unending search for a friend, but they were so bent on abusing me and I couldn’t even understand what they were doing to me. That hope had life till the last day, and I continued to take hits without complaints. I was never looking for any kind of romance, and behind that happy face I have shown outside, there was someone who was crying inside. As a kid, everyone used to ask me why are you so silent? I didn’t know why they kept asking me that question, I was completely normal. I was doing battles within me when they were finding ways to torture me. It was not that I couldn’t react, it was because I was searching for a friend in everyone I met there. That’s why I couldn’t react to anything that was being thrown at me. To make things worse, they were creating traps for me, which made me highly uncomfortable. All I wanted there was someone to talk to, and all they did was abuse me, take advantage of my feelings and I have no good memories about that college, I ended upon only more damaged than ever before. I wish I could erase that part of my life from my memory.

Right now, you can understand the level of hurt they have caused me, and If I get a chance to give it back to them, I will give it back with full interest. So, I have only one thing to say to them, don’t give me a chance to destroy you, I would do with all the pleasure in the world. Stay away.

They think they are so smart, but actually they are only dumb. All they know about life is the bullshits they have done in their school life, and they are coming with that against me. What a pity. I know the things they do and why, because all of them are the same wicked bastards. One day, I’m going to see them all rot for the things they have done to me, and that day is not far away.

Their strategy to trap me was very weird. First, they tried to make me question me my self-worth, and then they tried to show me sympathy like I’m someone needing help. That’s how their plan went upside down. I didn’t need their sympathy, and I wasn’t even looking for a love life. Another mistake they did was they chose someone who is capable of showing no emotions, and things don’t work like that. It was like a dead body staring at me, and they expected me to have a heart attack with that. Dumb tactics.

I was sitting on a corner, minding my own business without hurting anyone, taking in all the abuses without even knowing they were treating me wrong. Then they tried to trap me, but I was going on with my life without minding anything, but I got trapped when someone acted like my friend to screw me up and I couldn’t understand his evil intentions. I was beginning to open up to him, then time showed me why I shouldn’t have.

If I had someone to open up to, then I wouldn’t have fallen into his trap. He set it all up, and at that time I trusted him so blindly. He convinced me that he was talking on behalf of her. It was a setup. Then they framed me for the things I haven’t done.

Months went past, I was damaged inside out, thanks to the folks at home and all the relatives. They made my life as horrible as it can be. Then one day, God found me, and I was saved.

About my home

Suppose you are a totally healthy person with a lot of confidence, but when you come here, you become vulnerable to everything. You think you can react to bullshit being said to you, but you can’t. They will produce anxiety in your face and suffocate you, making you feel like you are having asthma. You can’t be yourself in phone, because the moment you start to talk, you will feel the shortness of breath, and you will be needed to run outside to talk properly. For a newbie, he or she would think, it’s because of an anxiety attack or lack of confidence, but it isn’t. You got two options here, either run for your life outside or just remember God.