My diary

I know the possibility that what I see can lie, maybe it’s someone else, I understand it. Maybe I’m not even begun, nowhere near, but I’m going to light it up if it turned out to be any different. Now, I choose to play along, I want something real, I can’t live with just that. I know it could be someone else, I’m waiting to find out. Maybe it’s all in my head. We will see as it comes. Tear it into a thousand memories or keep it with me lifelong. Let’s find out. I repeat there is nothing anyone can take away from my life right now.

I want to write something, but it is hard to put in words, still I like the idea. Everybody leaving me and the strange part is some part of me desires for it. I had to use painkillers for writing that single line. Maybe I’m reaching new heights of my own or… I don’t know what triggered, maybe I have reached my threshold again. This time distractions didn’t work, deaf to painkillers. If I was alone, nothing would have happened, but I’m not alone.  

Those evenings, even in those hard times, it was special. That’s when magic starts happening. What would have happened if those days weren’t there? I would have believed all the lies world told me. I wasn’t fighting for life; I was having fun. I fought for years and now I’m here. I learned what knowledge really mattered. When the road was long, shortcuts were opened, and I learned hard work is not always the answer to every problem in my life.

Where does this strength come from? This room, why am I still sleep in here? I know it’s dangerous. I feel nothing. Still, I sleep with nothing, but uncertainty. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? And I have grown fighting fears, and now things are different. Things that scared me no longer terrifies me. When I close my eyes, I look to my guardians, and they give me strength. It’s different when you stop running, you choose to stay, and move forward. My life is uncertain, but everyone made me comfortable in being alone, fighting on my own, my weakness became my biggest strength, maybe I was raised by God that way for this, also God doesn’t give you challenges you can’t handle, you just have to stay, and take one step after another, and I have come a long way in that way. I’m living in the moment, without worrying about the past and my future is the next one hour or two, not years ahead. Still, I smile, because it’s in my blood, it doesn’t depend on my situation, why? Expe

I still don’t understand why I’m in trouble? I don’t know why my brother hates me this much? What did I do? They blame me for colours, but what did I do? I never painted, I have seen them in the shelf, never went for any of it. But, the shop owners are blaming for looking at them. They want me to pay for it, I think I’m living in the wrong world, people need to come out of the medieval era. Will someone tell me what my offences are? I want to hear that. The colours did the same staring through the shelf, but I don’t complain. I want to hear their complaints, first you came near the shelf where violet colours were placed, then you smiled at the blue colour, and finally you ran away from the colour yellow while some street artists were lavishly painting at the corners. And what did they do, they put my brushes on fire without touching a drop of paint. And my crime was not painting.

My only way for getting help, maybe it is. But I don’t need it. To understand that, one must know the value of self-respect. Ask the warrior who is going for the war, what are his options. He will tell the answer to whoever is asking. These relations are only thin as a thread right now, and they are the ones who are stretching it, and they think I care. For them, everything is a show-off, and when the show is over, everyone must return to their own place, and some people doesn’t understand this. Stay for more than a day than they want, they will show you the door.

I have never enjoyed any song like this. But someone stole it away from me, because my breathing is no longer the same when listening to this song, like some kind of sickness got into me. When I’m not focusing on the song, doing other things, some part of the song feels like listening for the first time, but altogether it is lost. It was like electricity come after a long power cut, all of me were enjoying it.   Another song I lost with this is Lalitha pancharatnam, it’s the same, someone stole my breathing pattern from normal to abnormal. The only way I lost access to this song is after I played this song in my relative’s car when we were going for my brother’s marriage. After a day it sounded flat, it was like no music, listening to something boring. You can listen to any song in your mind when we are outside, but afterwards I can’t access these two songs. The condition is still the same, unsolved. I have a vague memory of finding some bite marks in my legs that morning, must be

Do I hate her? Certainly, no. I wanted to see her once after that hospital thing to make sure she was ok. I even prayed for her. None of the paintings had any intention to include her, somehow God made it happen, it was not my doing. The only control I had was choosing colours. The things they had shown to me even when my eyes were open was unfair. That’s the only reason I wanted to see her. So do all the writings, I never meant any of it, I just wanted the whispering and visions to stop. Actually, I never wrote all of it with the intention to publish. One day, from somewhere I got this idea why not? It was actually supposed to be get lost with my other files like always. How would I do something hurtful to the person once I liked?

This one is about the girl who is living in the neighborhood. We used to go to same school when we were young, and we used to exchange books when we were absent on school days, a few times. She used to come with her parent, and me the same. Then my brother started to create stories about us, and used to spread that misinformation with my tuition teachers and my close friends, and my friends celebrated with it. Then, when we reached eighth standard, she moved to another school. But my friends went on with it, so did my brother and those teachers. Then there came the day of her marriage, I wasn’t personally invited, but my family was altogether invited, so they pushed me to go. I went there, and there were few of my friends and I got trapped in their group photo, a group photo without a personal invite. A few days later, I saw myself in Facebook in that group photo. Recently, her mother passed away, but my brother wanted me to be there, I found it really suspicious, because besides all t

One night, I woke up, and saw something, my brother. His face was not the same, what I saw was a skull painted green. Another day, I painted something, in that, I painted what I saw, it included my father, I don’t know why, I painted him red. Are they humans? One day I saw a tail behind my mom’s back. That night when I saw my brother, I still remember, he was pacing, it was the time all of the chaos were happening in my life. According to intel, it’s my grand mother who helped them to trap me. Mother of my father. I even suspect my mother could see dead people. But they are not immune to fear. They fear death like everyone else in this world. I don’t know if these events had a role in making me immune to fears and worrying about some shitty videos about me. There are so many questions that needs answering in my life, I should be worried, about the things that need attention. Here, my life is uncertain, you could see a knife hidden where you step, water in the stairs, the things that ma

I got too comfortable in the survival mode, alert at all times. That’s the only explanation I have for now. It’s not like I’m sitting in a corner, my life is going normal, though anyone from outside can only feel that, cut off from the world. In a way everyone is, but they don’t realise it, they are so occupied in their jobs that they think it is normal. They work, and earn money and spends most of it, here I’m not earning, but one thing is certain I’m growing. The same thing can’t be said about everyone around me.

My new intel tells me I’m dead inside. Looking back at the past ten years, I hate to disagree. I have become very old, mature beyond age, what happened to me? In these past years, the number of people who reached out to me is rare, people began to hate my presence, family, friends, and almost everyone. They insult me so that I may never show them my face again, that too, everyone. Everything happened because of someone’s lack of maturity, someone who was close to me who doesn’t know the value of relationships, for him, everything was part of a game. In a way, his growth is stunted, not physically, he is not growing, he is unable to accept any other opinions than his, he will go to any lengths to prove that he is right. He was the source of everything. If he had stood by my side, played the part of my brother, or at least stayed neutral, my life wouldn’t have been the same. Whatever happened outside, my home was a happy place, he ruined everything.

Nothing matters. Neither to me or them. What’s the point of these videos? One thing I know is this: I feel this calmness, I don’t know what people calls this – frozen? But I don’t think it’s the right word. And I don’t think anyone can hurt me by ignoring me, I was ignored all my life, and I found my happiness in my solitude.

My life there was also uninteresting, it was like serving time, altogether it has been fourteen years, and I still feel like a prisoner. I’m walking in a circle, unable to get out of the loop, I can’t be blamed. They just come uninvited, embarrassing themselves and leaves, but they are not stopping. At first, they thought they can win by stomping over me and dominating me, but that won’t work with me, and the scars are still ripe, the words from the first day itself, it’s still echoing inside my mind, and it won’t just fade away. Their strategy was pathetic, first destroy me psychologically and then show their sympathy, who needs it? Actions have consequences, everything comes at a price, they can’t just walk away or expect me to forget or forgive everything, it’s unfair. They need to understand, things will never be the way it used to be, they made their choices, and I made my decision.

I don’t know why I hate that guy so much, even seeing his image, I want to punch him in the face. Maybe I know something that I still don’t know. I never felt this much hatred to anyone else, there must be a reason. When I first met him in the college, he seemed normal, but after a few days, he turned out to be an asshole. Maybe I expected a little more decency from him than everyone else. But that can’t be a reason for such hatred. Something is hidden. I thought he was a mature person, but he turned out to be a toddler life, maybe he made some immature decisions that irks me still. His energies are weird, I don’t feel anything like this to anyone else. About his character, he was pretty much the same like everyone else I found there, one person in person, another with people around, two faced bitch, I hate such people generally. A personality without self-respect. That’s why I hate that place so much, attention seeking bastards. They talk with disrespect with people, and later come to

I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I don’t know what would have happened If I just let go. I was hesitant, that was close. I never saw that coming. I was chanting, I did the best I could, that wasn’t enough, it was unexpected, I never had time. I knew I had company, it was cold, but I didn’t expect that. I thought it was over, but somehow, I made it back. God’s help was on time. The only question that’s on my mind Do I have a future here? Let’s find out. These days, I was short on praying, still everything worked out on my favour, I hope my teams are here. Writing this, I don’t feel anything, no change in pulse rate, it’s cold as the room. What happened to me? Maybe I spent too much time on survival mode, now it’s the only mode I function.