My diary

My sources tells me that something happened when I was rude to someone for the first time in my life. They thought it was for some other reason, but I was too clean, I wasn’t ready for anything like that after what happened in my life. I was clear on my intentions, just get the job and I’m out. No relationships, no friendships, just like I entered, I wanted to leave that place. It was mostly because of the betrayal I had to face and I had trust issues. Besides that, days before entering there, someone was whispering me these things in my head to not even exchange your contact number to anyone. I was trying to get better at my studies from day one without minding the distractions, but I didn’t know they would find such filthy meanings for it. For me, they were kids, I saw myself in those people when I was at my college, aimless, killing time, always looking for fun without knowing it would impact my future.

I want to tell why I hated that guy from the start. Suppose we are talking to each other, he seems decent, but if someone with a good reputation joins the conversation, he becomes someone else, he joins the other person and attacks me. And it’s the reverse with a person with a weak reputation. He changes according to the need. I realized this cowardice of him in the first year itself, and I was avoiding him, but in the fourth year he somehow got a seat near me. When the college started for the fourth year, at the first day, I had fever, the day when seats were allotted or fixed. When I was sitting near him, he started talking about issues near his home, his personal problems in the hope of I would do the same, but I stayed neutral, just talking when it’s necessary. As the days went ahead, he started mentioning her, indirectly forcing me, he told this one thing too many times that I’m a good actor. He forced me the subjects related to her on me when I was busy minding my own business. B

Why I chased her even after getting a no was what I typed on my mail draft on the last days of my college. I somehow got the smell that I was being watched and my mind played tricks, many what if’s. Otherwise, I wouldn’t go near a person who even looks at me in an uninteresting way. Now, when I think back, I agree that I was begging. But, not for a relationship, just for an answer, so that I can move on with my life. And she played with that. I was perfectly fine with a no, all I needed was a good conversation like two human beings. When I went to her place, I asked her brother to mediate a call between her, just to get an answer that I can trust. Then I asked one of her friends to arrange a meeting, just to talk under normal circumstances, but they were not ready for talking. And I was stubborn for an answer without realizing she was not worth that effort. If I never doubted the first call I made to be fake, because of true caller and the voice, I never would have attempted to conta

Some years ago, I liked fun, and I was full of it. That was one of my weakness people were taking advantage of. As time passed, I understood the fact that not everyone deserves to see that side of me. Façade is better. I wouldn’t have faced any problems, If I was the way I was. Just cold. Instead, I shared my joy with people who were not deserving it, and I learned my lessons the hard way. Now, my former self is gone, and all I have is this dead, neutral person. Is it wrong to be this way? I feel so much peace now. Without saying a word to impress others, just keeping my peace. There is no need to try hard to act this way, I have already become like this, shedding all those past. I used to be this way, but then people wanted me to change, and I was opening my gates wide open, a huge mistake. As years went by, I became them, and they became me, but I was there a long time ago. It’s just that some people didn’t like the peace I was enjoying.

I wasn’t unhappy when she rejected me, I was relieved. But they were never ready to let me go, so they haunted me like ghosts. When she said no, I was happy that it is over and also with the fact that I can move on from now on. What they did afterwards was playing mind games, creating doubts in me, otherwise I never had any problem letting her go. I wish God had found me then. I never knew at that time that God can turn things around and reveal who they really are. There was no passion in it, it was like a chore for me. I knew nothing about her, I haven’t seen her properly, I never heard her voice, I don’t even know a single quality of her, then why should I chase someone like that? I wasn’t that desperate. Still, they manipulated me to search for an answer through other ways. The ways that disappear when God comes to the scene. Cowardly ways.

I like praying at evenings, after taking a bath, closing my eyes. It’s magic. I don’t feel that good at other times; evenings are special for some unknown reasons. That too, after putting so much oil in head, it’s something no words can explain. Some kind of comfort is there while doing that.  My brother’s marriage came as a blessing, he stopped talking to me, and I got to spend so much time in solitude. No one disturbed me, for everyone, I didn’t exist. But I was experiencing something no amount of money could buy. The things which were haunting me ceased to exist, and I was reborn.

I don’t remember the person I was yesterday; I was talking about death. That’s what music does to you. This is what happened to me on those days, when they played sad music in my head, non-stop. They even woke me up from sleep and played it, not letting me sleep. In addition to that, there were two guys in the shop opposite to my home who played sad songs all the time. They were creating emotions in me with the help of those awful music. When I wake up, they make me feel like some sort of weight is placed on my chest, but at that time I didn’t know it was one of their tricks. It forced me in doing things. Now, imagine what will I do I if I get a chance to pay it back, I will give it back with interest.

Souls need a carrier to travel. From my experience, it is so. That’s why my mother goes to every funeral wearing a violet saree, or grey one. They can’t travel on their own. And when she finally comes to home, she flouts the rule of sprinkling salt water or bathing before entering. Then, they try to murder me, a death without proof of being murder. I don’t want to cover this anymore; this is what’s happening here. When I lie down and close my eyes, something pulls me from outside. In short, I can’t close my eyes without praying.

Do you know how it feels when you have to live with something you don’t deserve? Do you know how I felt when my fears came true? One day, you are going to feel it. I was putting my self-respect on the line. I didn’t stop there, I nearly destroyed myself. I feel sorry for myself to even attempting to understand such monsters.

I shouldn’t smile. That’s what everyone tells me, but I can’t, that’s how I function. Here, I’m in the depths I never felt, still I can’t stop myself from smiling. Why should I cry? Whatever happened, there will be another side to it, the side most people never see, the side only I could see. In this world, no matter how hard you try, you can’t feel everything out there, I’m sure there will be something reserved for me that other’s eyes can’t see. I shouldn’t judge my life by one incident, I should move on. The journey is endless, and every end is a new beginning in this immortal life.

I was the victim, but some people see themselves as one after doing all the harm to me. They twisted the narrative and I was an easy target for them. And the world believed everything they said. After creating all the problems in my life, they pretend that I’m the one who caused chaos in their life. What if they had left me alone, I never asked anyone anything.  When I was a child, I believed in dreams, but as I grew up, I started doubting them and it turned out to be true. It was all lies. That dream was the starting point of everything. I was building my life brick by brick, and they destroyed everything. 

Doing nothing is the hardest thing to do. Most of the people can’t exist without doing anything. They would go insane if they do so. I was like them, always doing things with something in mind, I think it’s called being productive. But its another thing to do something which has nothing to do with money, most of the time, it becomes the real productive thing to do. Like sitting idle doing nothing for the whole day, away from the chaos, just breathing, listening to music for hours, playing games as like it is your world. Some time ago, I had this plan to do some work and earn just enough to retire; not billions I had in mind, just enough to live peacefully. Then, I would do these things which has nothing to do with money, and live peacefully. I wanted to settle down and breathe, I wanted to live. I like the feeling when I’m writing this, out in the open, the soft wind which gives me some kind of comfort. It’s one of the things money can’t buy.

The person who pretended to be my friend told me this thing through the phone that I have already finished my course, now why do you care what happens, go and kiss her. And I was too blind in his friendship and in her. I was in like some kind of trance, unable to wake up, believing everything he says.  I still he remembers what he said. He wanted me to get in the class and kiss her in front of everyone, but I wasn’t that insane. I never attempted that. After their plan failed, he called me one day and asked why did you grab her, I didn’t understand him. On my mind, I was thinking of me grabbing her hand, but the way he made the conversation was intended something else. That conversation was in the back of my mind the whole time, but I never thought such a thought would become a reality. After getting what he needed to screw me, he slowly started avoiding me by disconnecting my calls, and not picking it up at all. I think there was a lot of planning involved prior to that incident, and

The level of abuse they did to me, I want to explain. On the last time I went to pay my supplementary exam fees, I was with someone who I thought was my friend at that time. He was all alone, and he tried to scar me with abusive words, but this time he was afraid, for he was alone and his minions were nowhere to be seen. Imagine him with the whole class behind him, that too for four years, how worse it would get. If he is reading this, he can relive this memory about how cowardly and afraid he was when he was using that word. He was in a way checking me, if I would react or not. He needed his followers to laugh at the jokes he says, alone he is a dumb fool. It’s true for most of the guys I found there, good for nothing bastards. Now, anyone who reads this can have a very good idea about why I hate those people this much. They had the numbers 99:1, still they failed to pull off a victory and they are on the losing side. When I spent time with them for the first time, it was so boring, i

People are so proud when they hear the news. It’s the mother’s child definitely, but the same can’t be said about the father. You can have some privacy, if you power yourself up by constantly praying to God and that will keep you protected. As the final measure you can purify your environment by lighting a lamp, and closing your doors.

I wonder why people are so different from their parents. It’s the timing, maybe people are deceived. At night, they keep their doors open and people from the other dimension enter their home and things happen. They think their desires are their own, but it’s not, it’s not their will, there is something inside them which runs away when it hears God’s name.  

I can see glasses shattering, creepers crawling, and hear loud cries at night. That place is burning with all its memories. Sometimes, I see heads explode in some other place where I spend half of the former. I can see blood there, it’s everywhere. It used to be a lotus pond, but it’s a graveyard now just like the other. I can see myself there with all those headless people, looking at that environment with a smile. I can’t blame myself, it’s all their doing.

I was the victim, but some people see themselves as one after doing all the harm to me. They twisted the narrative, and I was an easy target for them. And the world believed everything they said. They created problems in my life, and then pretends that I’m the one who caused chaos in their life. What if they had left me alone, I never asked anyone anything. When I was a child, I believed in dreams, but as I grew up, I started doubting them and it turned out to be true. It was all lies. Everyone is so narrow minded, and they can’t think outside of their limited perspective. I’m the one who is supposed to make their life miserable, yet the blame is on me, and they are doing the same to me, and the world sided with them.

Tears are supposed to charge you up, but I feel so exhausted. My eyes feel tired. If I wash my face, it will make my eyes feel more tired, what would I do? It’s like I have done some work that demands so much energy, but when tears were rolling down, I felt good, it was very comfortable. I want to do it again, but it will ruin this night, I need to save some energy for the rest of the night. There weren’t many times I remember crying, it was rare. But there were three such instances which I still remember. One, when I was a child, I was sent back to home in front of everyone for not knowing how to do fraction. Second, the night at the relative’s house. Third, the final time I cried with so much pain, at that hospital bed, when they were about to sedate me. After that, I needed God to make me cry, I lost my ability to cry, I froze. These three times were most special, for it was not ordinary crying. Something broke inside me, it was all automatic, I couldn’t control myself, I burst into

The color Orange, it’s not what as it seems. Everyone thinks that color is pure, but it’s not, it’s poison. One day I saw someone in that color making a speech, there was fire in it, something was burning inside. I saw it clear; it was radiating so much heat. For someone who pretends to be too innocent, it was unnatural. I found the words were aimed at me. It’s one of the colors I hate. Another color I hate is yellow. It’s not the colors I hate, it’s the persons representing them. I can see depths in them, something dirty. They think they can outsmart me, but I was waiting.