My diary

I miss that time when I had the time to explore every song I have in my library. Those were good times, my private world, to escape from everything that hurts. I had no other thing to do at that time, but it was beautiful. They were my strength to get back from the depths I fall into. I knew how to set the moods. Like a machine, I preferred power, party over tears.

I know they are not who they pretend to be. I have seen their reality at certain nights, they are not humans. It could be one reason why no one is stepping forward to help me. I’m my own savior. That night she injured her leg, I have seen her walking like nothing mattered, no limping, and I think all of it is an act, but at the same time I’m not understanding the peril I’m in. For the crime, they have committed, the kind of planning involved, they should be hanged, whatever I do to them won’t be enough. At one night I have seen his arms, not human arms, like we watch in movies, another night when I placed my arms on his shoulder, he was so terrified like a puppy. Why? Why should be he be afraid of me, that’s why I stayed this long here.

I have seen a vision, another reality, which I didn’t share till now. It’s about my mother. One night, she was falling sick, and both of us, her two beloved children were near her, one tells she must be taken to the hospital, another one, we must be going to the temple, listening to that she jumps out of her bed, like she was possessed and attacks me, it was kind of scary.

You fell for heart aches, the physical ones, like a stone is placed over your chest, and I fell for it. Nearly ten years ago and I never cared to question what’s happening. But one day I started questioning everything after something start to hurt me, and I looked upon the arch in front of me. Suddenly everything disappeared, no negative thoughts, nothing. After that day my life is so smooth, I know there is an answer for everything.

I’m not overly sensitive, sometimes it’s out of our control, maybe the air could be the reason. Maybe I always have company, sensitive companies or we can call spiritual abundance. My kind are always protective of me, and they are the ones reminding of something wrong happening to me. For the world, I maybe nobody, but for them I’m the King.

Questions? Why there was a female waiting for me everywhere I went? Both Schools and College? All of them looked better than everyone else every time in all of the three places. When I talked about the chakras and meditation, the next day my mother seemed disappointed like she doesn’t want me healed, she wanted that fate for me, why? Why is that arch in front of my home in such a poor condition, just look at the dresses she is wearing, how poorly it is being handled. Why? Why try to murder me without a reason, I’m harmless. I can’t even cross the road without checking more than thrice. When I went to buy things for the shop, the shop owner was delaying my departure, and his hands were shaking, like he wants me to be late, like something eery was being planned, and then again crossing the road needs to happen, and something else, that temple near that shop, I felt like they needed me in there, that’s when I thought about all the news related to lynching. How get people killed for just d

I have found my own ways of finding ways to know if someone is broken, just say you are not okay by someone they really care about. Or I have this set of songs which tore me apart, let’s say I couldn’t finish watching it. I don’t know if it will work on anyone else, but for me it’s tested and proven. In my case, no one really said it to me, I can’t say how I experienced that, hearing it for the first time, I was fighting tears. Writing this, would anyone feel the same way, the way I felt? I was bleeding. Maybe someone who understands it will shed a few tears.

Do you remember when I told you that I never enjoyed the Saraswathi Dikshithar Kriti, sorry, I enjoyed to the extent that the fourth person came out of me swinging my tongue like I could feel him inside me, like I knew I was not the person I think anymore. That’s the first time I realized my own potential, I don’t know, potential, yes. Maybe I realized I’m not the one who should be running. If they got inside of them, I got it too, my own. Then one day, I realized these people are terrified of me, the thing I become at night, I began to understand what I thought what’s happening to me, my morning tiredness, all those evidences which made me think otherwise, all came to light. I have my own night life. Then one day I felt myself at darkness, and something was telling me it’s not the right time, from that day, that evening, I was less afraid of the darkness. Now, you tell me, why should I run? I know there are still surprises inside of me, more than I can handle right now.

I think I finally did the right thing. Why hide yourself when something is behind you, so powerful, you have to worry about nothing. What’s the worst could happen, because you need certain guts to sleep in the room where I’m writing this. Closing your eyes embracing the unknown, waking up in the middle of the night with visions that make you think like you are in some kind of alternate reality, so real that you can remember like a 4K video you just watched. Now I’m used to this, first time is always scary, but as you move forward, you get used to it, the shadows, the cold and the dust.

The damage was real, but I’m recovering. You can do the impossible with meditation. At first, I thought there was no hope, that’s when God led me to Chakras. Once you access it, everything is easy, from nothing to the clouds, now I’m flying to the undying hope. What if I had not prayed, I will be believing the lies the world is going to tell me, that means sitting in a corner blaming myself for my actions and rotting in memories.

I feel better now, I should be using bad words like others, but I don’t have experience in such behaviors', I feel better with facts rather than some pointless words. Maybe it’s the air, everything is fine when I’m outside, I’m asking myself why did I let the door open when I went downstairs, because I knew what’s coming next. Why did I feel bad when I downloaded that application? Maybe this is my December this time. Time heals everything, even anger, a few minutes ago, I wasn’t myself. Maybe it was somebody else, because I used bad words to someone I really care about, not the moon, my guardians, maybe they were waiting for the right moment. It was my native language, and I’m sure I never use it, in that way, I never, it was like some psychopath was inside me, somehow I managed, I would be better prepared next time. Maybe I’m getting to know how someone feels when they get posessed, possibilities are endless, all they need is a vulnerability to capitalize on. I don’t exactly remem

Whatever it is, it’s been a decade, I have moved on, I hope she also did, by now according to where we left off there was this picture holding a baby, maybe a couple more by now. Who knows? Past is in the past, and it will always stay shut, and we are never going backwards, only moving forward. In all the photographs, she seemed fine, but what I don’t get it is some people are not ready to let go any of it. We had nothing going on, the only thing I did was asking her out, that mail draft made me question her answers, and a lot of what if came to my mind, and I was ticking all the boxes. Everything would have been okay, if my stupid brother took care of his things in life instead of poking on others. If you believe it or not, it was not just him, some supernatural forces related to us also played the part. Together they made perfection in everything they did. For a month or two after I couldn’t even think of anything, because all I did was sleep, I even got obese. 

What happened? Why did I give up? Because they gave me two months and told me it’s her engagement, not exactly give me two months, just told her engagement is in two months. I tried everything in my power to reach out to her, but every time, she treated me like a stalker, it was like walking through knife. And the rest is epic. I became something I didn’t ask to, thanks to my family, and the next thing I see is their engagement photo in the WhatsApp group. It was one sided, and I don’t want to walk through that knife once again with my charred remains.

I have never been in any relationship with anyone, still they are accusing me of things I’m not even aware of. Maybe I should put sunglasses when I enter outside, then no one will be blame me for anything, I’m not desperate, never have been, to start chasing just because we looked at each other, everyone needs to wake up, it’s not any seventies movie. I used to notice who notices me, but I’m aware that’s all, I don’t give them any promises, but it’s not the same with them, for them it’s the start of another love story. When that idiot asked me in college about my relationships, I told him not my relationship status, I was just fooling him by saying how many fans I have right now. But that dumb ass would have believed it and asked them is it true? What will be the possible answer? They will say yes, and what does it make me seem? What I told him, it was just fans which I notice, I can sense like everyone else if someone is looking at me and if it continues, you know, I’m good at making

How beautiful my life would have been if certain fools weren’t around me. They were showing criminal behaviors' at such a young age and they couldn’t correct even when they became adult, they just built it up without even understanding how old were they when these things happened. They can imagine these things happen to their children now or they can look back at their life how old they were or look at the mirror the difference in years. They were making immature decisions at such a young age thinking they are mature.

Colours, I hate most of them by now, I don’t know why, but I feel like they are dirt, and I hate color violet the most, I should have checked the quality of that colour, white never matches with that colour. Because of that colour, everyone saw me as disgusting and it followed me around fourteen years and I still don’t know its effects are gone or not. White repels everything, I understand it now. Violet fooled everyone, and disguised herself as a victim and painted me black like it attracts everything even the dirtiest of them, and she painted herself as white but her aura, she couldn’t hide it, eventually people began to see her for what she is, and for me, I had to do no work, my aura took care of everything.

The new talk of here among everyone is that my feelings are missing. Where did it go? But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy that’s the only state I’m in, is that a problem? Sometimes music tears me apart, shedding few drops of tears or moving my lower lips, except that I’m fine. We feel sad because we are only focusing on the sad part, but there is a lot to be grateful about that we are not appreciating. I focus on the good part. If you feel sad and you can’t just get out of it, meditate upon Lord Ram, the ultimate solution to that problem, you will be smiling all day. I didn’t read it from anywhere, experience taught me.

Where did I go? I want him to comeback, without him everything is lacking soul, it’s like I’m not enough. I know he is somewhere down there, maybe he is blaming himself for everything that happened to me. I can see flashes of him when I’m being tortured too deep, still for that to happen God must tell him. Praying is the only way I find him. It’s like a punctured tire, and he is screaming as I gently cruise. I want him onboard to continue my rest of the journey. Maybe he trusted people too blindly including his mother, he thought his mother will be on his side even if the whole world is against him, and he was testing that theory. And it was too easy for her and he too naïve. It’s what trust does to you. I still remember the way he melted at the hospital bed just before he was sedated, it was heartbreaking.

I don’t know what God tells me right now can be trusted, she is playing with surprises, maybe she will tell things opposite to what I’m seeing right now, but I know it’s for my own safety. I know she wouldn’t toy with my mind for long, I will get answers sooner or later, I just have to be patient. Even if she tells me everything, I know they would dig inside my mind and find out, so it’s always good to place the database somewhere else, when it’s time, she will let me know, right, mom?

Someone is getting into trouble who I know of. But I can’t help him in this matter, he needs to get his head straight. Otherwise I don’t see a future for him. He is copying movies, he thinks he will be safe after whatever he thinks of doing, but not everyone is lacking faith in God and God can make you speak things you wouldn’t see coming.

For everyone, I was some part of their grand design, they never considered me as a human. That’s what I think, they were forcing it on me. If all the accusations against me were true, how would I stay without any worries, no baggage, I’m light as a feather. But I agree I was betrayed by some senseless people, but besides the physical damages, my mind is calm, nothing weighing down my chest, because I don’t hate myself for anything I did, and I was true to myself. No regrets. Yeah, I feel sleepy now, but why only the left eye, that doesn’t make sense. I’m not frozen, I just need a change of music.

It was hard after that hospital, I had to go to that college again for attending the supplementary exams, not alone, with parent, like I’m some kind of criminal, and I played along. Then going to tuitions, hearing the remarks which I know were aimed at me, and they were using information which I typed in my mails and this site called 7 cups of tea. But I had no choice, I had to get out of the shit hole I have fallen into. It was mental torture, and for the world and my so-called friends, I was non-existent. Then I had to go to that hospital monthly like a psychopath needing help, and still I played along until one day I snapped. But, fate had worse things for me. It made me choose a path which is no way related to the course I studied and ended up losing everything till this day, otherwise I would have gone for a job and my life wouldn’t have been the same. But that twist of fate, I wasn’t deserving that, some people were behind it. Still, I tried in that field, but there also there we

Eyes are the gateway to everything, did it ever happen to who accuses of me doing things. It was a forced-up theory which I forced on myself. You have to first allow yourself deep into the other’s eyes, but I was hesitant, every time except one time, the first time. After that the magic never happened. And people are accusing me of connections I never made. Not one, two or three at the same time, some pieces of shit. Maybe I opened my doorways too wide open for the first time, and I learned my lessons. And some foolish idiots couldn’t understand any of it including my brother, and they ruined my life. Maybe I’m living among retarded people who are still in the seventies.

My life stopped on 2014, I used to watch movies, I used to listen to music a lot, now I don’t know much about music from that year to until recently, it’s blank, maybe it’s just a thought, but I feel cutoff from everything. I don’t know how much movies I watched after that year. It’s still the same, I have internet connection, but I don’t know if I watch any movies anytime soon. Recently, I watched Avengers turned out to be the biggest disappointment, no storyline, just fighting from start to end, I felt it was for kids. Action with a better story would have been better.

When it comes to death, I’m already dead, I was murdered nearly ten years ago by almost everyone I know of. When I woke up, I was no longer the same. From then on, I’m living like completing the mission, let’s do this and going behind it and once finished, then to the next, no emotions, wounds still bleeding, but numb, now I feel like the missions are over, first it was hard to go on without a mission, that’s when I started praying, from morning to sunset, it’s the only thing I did, till Corona came and left. It was a time when everyone’s life froze, and I had nothing else other than to pray, and no one disturbed. Now my reactions have gone cold, nothing hurts, if something happens, then what I ask myself is oh well, what next, no emotional outburst, too much calmness like even if I get angry at times, it’s only controlled aggression like I can’t burst with full intensity like once I had. Like I’m not receiving the backup of every being inside me, like everything is pointless, like I k

Why I can’t move a muscle when I’m attacked at night, but last night something beautiful happened. I don’t know how my future days are, I think I shouldn’t be afraid, what if there is a sunrise after this fear, what if something magical happens after I let go of my fear, what if I get to see and realise, they are just like us. Maybe whatever that touched me is seeing me type right now, reading this, who knows? If anyone other than me is reading this, please don’t frighten me, I mean whatever it’s with me, but it is doing a good job with that. Still I don’t understand why attack me at night, unless there was someone else other than us, it is not that which attacked. What if we can co-habit here, what if we can be allies like once we asked to. It was like administering antibiotics to me, too much relying upon it, it works counter wise, now I’m new, but not entirely new at this. Maybe as time progresses these antibiotics will wane making the virus inside me powerful, too much to handle. W