My diary

These days the ghosts here are being friendly to me, because I'm trying to help here, but no one seems to understand, but they do. I used to avoid this corner of my room, but now I'm no longer afraid, for we both crave the same atmosphere. The temperature here is soaring, and there is no other place here, it's exactly South- East direction, my only solace in the morning, the wind from there is the only thing that is helping me here till sunset. I used to be the North- West direction person, but the wind rarely comes from there now. I'm not learning anything from Google now, because they always lie, my only option is to learn everything from experience, what if I learn something even Google doesn't know. I'm criticizing them, because once I searched about Shaiva, and learned a few things about her, but the next time I searched even that word is not in their dictionary. But I have seen her when I was at my extremes, maybe my only option here also is learn it from

We were a team, we used to write things together, she taught me how to slay, at night she made sure I'm okay. When I close my eyes, I wake up in the other dimension and go near her, we used to stay behind the statue and talk for hours, sometimes at her place. She likes Jasmine, she used to present me those. At first we weren't that close, but life brought myself to her, and she saw my tears, and that was beautiful. I saw that moment travelling through memory, it was one of the best moments in my life, we used to talk to each other, mostly I was the one who was talking, and she would let me know that she is listening. Now, because of some senseless people, we rarely see each other, I can't go to her place, but she can come to my place in her full glory. This time she looked sad, maybe she understands the peril I'm in. I didn't say much to her, it was a hi, and silence talked rest. Someday, I even told her that I don't want to leave, and she nodded, I guess. The l

I don't know big things about Krishna, all I know is when I pray to him he shows me the evil aspects of some people, he becomes my voice, and lifts me up from the ashes. In the end I shoot my arrows without missing the target. He reveals me the true faces of some people, and why I should move away from them. If someone tries to brainwash me using forces of nature against me, then all I should do is remember him.

Am I really Okay? Ram's story makes me cry, or it could be the music. One How he searched her after her disappearance, how he promised there won't be another Sita in her life. Or I'm in the crying mood right now, I don't know. Maybe a change of beats could help, but I don't want to help myself. It's good to be sad.

You can get energy from all the negative things in the world if you get blessings from the light, so that when someone manipulates the light, you always have a place to go, luckily, I'm no light, but I'm no dirt either. Who said darkness is dirt, you need an extra bone to walk through it, actually it's not bad as you think, both can't live without each other, everyone has inside it, maybe I've been too extreme at light, because my inside knows there will be a time come when light have to let go of me, however painful it is, because I don't want to go either, but my soul is no light. Otherwise my light will fade, because my dominant side is no light, you can imagine if I have been this clean, how dark I could get, however extremes I go, I will shine with the light within. So, it's not like a goodbye, I'm always connected to light, always.

I admit I'm not rich in materialistic ways, but I'm in other ways, in ways not everyone will understand. Money is not everything, sometimes you can reverse time, move past the limit of time, sometimes you can play with time, sometimes you need to widen your perspective, there are things outside money, there are paths you should consider which you probably thought are the paths you shouldn't. I'm not telling I have all these powers, but no one told me I shouldn't, what if I have them when you are flying in your private jet?

What if one day I will walk into something I have never been in, I was too young to understand, something that will bloom myself from 180 degree to 360 degree. Actually, I got this degrees from a 180 degree flower, but I don't want to be that flower, I want to be a 360 degree flower in the green abundance. I can still see that flower from my balcony, a white one, bloomed in the middle of the night at its full brightness, maybe we could be like them shining at both seasons.

I don't know what happened to me, I'm not carrying a machine gun right now, and I'm not in the hurting anyone mode either. Maybe it could be because I have become more mature now or maybe I could be sick, sometimes I wished someone to beat at my heart so strong that I end up crying. Maybe I'm a walking ambulance right now going at a lightning speed without a destination without a siren, maybe that's why no one is giving me way, and I'm finding my own path without disturbing anyone. And my fuel is never ending and I just keep going and going. Someday, I'm going to stop this never ending run and park somewhere and watch the sunset with deep breaths.

Why I don't always prefer revenge? Because I always end up hurting more, more than they deserve, and I end up losing the battle, and in the end I will be rotting, that's why I leave it to God, at least I don't act on half-truths, and I have always this question what if I'm wrong? 

You can hijack my vision as much as you want, but God has given tongue for a reason, to talk. You need to step down from the highs you are currently residing and become humble and talk face to face, otherwise world will label you as a coward. But there will be hurdles, you have to clear your karmic stains, and feel, understand how others go through when you hurt someone. Everything demands a price to pay for, sometimes it's already paid by someone, and you have to move on, but I assure you one thing, closure. I'm being generous here, everyone will agree.

I pray to the Gods to pick the side where the truth is, where injustice has been done. Serve punishment, nothing more or nothing less according to their Karmic stains. Let them learn some lessons from their ignorance, until then you will offer them no blessings. That’s my only prayer to you.

My life was eventful. Who helped me, the only God I prayed to, I saw every day, it wasn't a perfect picture, it was a cut out from an agarbatti pack. And he was always there every morning. He helped me in my transition, nobody suspected a thing, one morning I was one person, the next day I became another one. He didn't just change me, he helped me move on from things that are not worthy of me. Then he opened my world wide open to explore, and I just changed.

My house had only two main rooms, and my brother was always a mainstay there, so, it was always fun, brother talk, it wasn't the way it is now. I wasn't sitting in a corner like this, I was kind of hyperactive, and my home was even though it had only two main rooms, it was always fun. But it had a home theatre, a PC, a TV within that room, and of course phones, so there was no boredom, plus two brothers, what else we needed. Every day was movies, music and fun talk, there was no sadness at all except the occasional fights. Then some people infiltrated my home and turned us against each other, and that same two main room became a suffocation for me. It was how our brotherhood fell apart. I thought he would change, but he never did. Then it was time for soul searching for me, I went through every memory I can get to, and I analysed everything, then I began to cry, sometimes even universe communicated to me asking why do you cry this much, it was like you spend most of your time c

  I don’t remember how many times I have to go through this moment, and having this idea to put it into a picture. This was my hobby on those days, watching my tears with one eye closed while facing sideways possibly facing North. It was very intense.   Actually, this was not the only pose I tried, I tried normal rolling of tears in all directions, straight, sideways, and this was the one which I caught very clearly, from the top of my nose to the tip of it to finally collect it with my finger, sounds childish. But that’s how I became the person who I’m today, shedding a lot of weight through tears, no one to disturb that free flow. Everyone thought I was having the time of my life, actually I was playing with pain.

When you get hurt, you should cry. I was suppressing my feelings since the age I could remember, I was swallowing it all down. What if I had cried whenever I felt like crying, instead I stop my breathing, and just move on. But recently when I started crying, I noticed something, I’m beginning to feel change, the places where I stayed mute, I began to react. What if I had done it earlier, I wouldn’t be even this person, it took a good amount of crying to get where I’m today. People think I’m different, because I’m growing up, I’m realising the toxic patterns I once ignored, and I don’t want to go back. That would be a lie, I want to go back where I smiled from within and it was visible outside, but that’s impossible. Pain changes people.

One morning someone came to my room in the morning lift me up by just pulling my legs, and tried to do something, possibly slam on the ground, a death without evidence, no one would know how I died, one morning I just drop dead on the floor, no explanation at all.  I believe he was in his uniform, but he seemed darker than I have seen before and a lot taller. Luckily, I chanted my heart out, and somehow kept my body in my bed, I couldn’t see his face when he pulled me up because I was chanting with my eyes closed. After he left, I could still feel the stretch he caused on my leg muscles. It all felt like a dream, but the stretch was real, I could feel it below my hips. Maybe he was invisible, otherwise how would he get away after attempting such a thing. But what I don’t understand is that the door was locked, but I saw him staring at me with the open door, he looked different like I saw a body from the morgue. And when everything was over, the door was still locked, but the stretches

This song takes me back to memories when I had no sleep, in the beginning days. I don’t really remember whether I listened to this music at that time, still it gives me back my memories. Going sleepless for more than a week, it was hard at first. I couldn’t go to bed because it reminded me about snakes, when I close my eyes, I felt like my bed was moving. When I wake up, they greeted me, sometimes I even got hurt, at first, I thought it was stomach pain or any problem related to gas, but it wasn’t. It was that they don’t want me to stay in this room, but now things are different. Now, I have peaceful nights, comfortable mornings, and God guided me to go through such situations to make  me strong.

Why didn’t I seek revenge? Because I never knew the whole story, what if I do something I later regret, and blame myself for the rest of my life. So, I prayed and let go, and left the rest to God, that’s the only way I could win at that time. At least I get the rest of my life to live peacefully. But one day when I’m powerful enough, I wanted to read her mind to know was it all a bluff and then decide. Just like they talked inside my mind without my permission, I knew that was possible. Then I moved on leaving everything on the past, I lived on the present, never tried to know I was fooled or even murdered, because I knew I gave it everything I had, and tried my best and never hated myself for anything I did, my mind was peaceful. That’s why even though my life is ruined, I still smile, because I don’t carry any baggage from the past nor the hatred towards anyone. People think I carry some kind of grudge towards everyone, but the fact is that I don’t even think about anyone, my life is

I sat in my chair on my balcony and simply looked at the clouds from morning to evening. But how? Before that, I listened to devotional music without knowing time. In a way, I lost attachment to all the time telling machines. Most of the time, I was shedding tears, healing from the damages I collected in this short span of life. While doing so, I was learning to meditate, whatever was bickering in my mind just stopped. It was addicting, the only break I took was to eat food. After that everything was so easy.

Let me tell you how things worked out for me. I sat in my chair on my balcony and simply looked at the clouds from morning to evening. No distractions, my mind can’t talk forever, after some time my thoughts cease to exist. Still I was in no position to meditate, because I was too behind in my life, I had to settle that issue, I told myself for the next one or two hours, I won’t think about it, and my mind listened. It was hard at first, I had to let go of all the expectations people had on me. All I asked my mind is that this one question, so what?