My experience with God

I used to go to temple for giving a list, the things I want to achieve in my life, it was mostly a robotic conversation often repeating two or three times like it was recorded from my home. Then, something terrible happened in my life, and I was struggling with it for a long time, I even closed my doors to the outside world. Days passed, years passed, and I couldn’t recover from the damage, then one day I had the opportunity to visit a place, when I was there, I didn’t know what to pray, all I could feel was my lips trembling. That was a special day in my life, I never experienced such emotions before that moment, maybe that changed my life in unbelievable ways. From then on, I stopped giving the list like my family taught me. Instead, I began to talk like normal conversation, and that was different, I no longer had to memorize from home what I had to pray.

Don't go in there!

Toilets in my home is something I hate, not because of the dirt like everyone will expect, it’s the invisible things that enter my body. When I was a kid, my brother used to tell me that he does all the thinking when he was at the toilet, I didn’t understand it then. Once you use the toilet, they start talking inside your head, making you see things which are not the product of your imagination. At first, I used to believe those things and thought that it was coming from my imagination, but it was not. I have outgrown their techniques, and each time I go inside, I know what they are going to tell me.

Music

Music can be used as a weapon to revive someone from the ashes or to destroy someone completely. My life had such an experience when I was going through a tough time, my enemies used it against me, worsening my condition, forcing emotions into me, giving so much hard times. They have shown such an inhumane character which is nothing short of disgusting. When I wake up, they play music in my head, building bad emotions in me, taking advantage of my situation and they didn’t even let me sleep properly. After doing such horrible things, they are coming for truce, how should I react? Shouldn’t I slap them?

They had everything under their control, my folks at home, my smartphone – including access to what I see in my social media accounts, and even what song that should be playing in my head. That’s how they screwed me, tailoring what I see at certain occasions, playing songs in my head which is nothing related to my taste of music. At that time, I didn’t understand that there was someone who they should be accountable to. I wish I had known it then.

My proposal

Would you complete me by becoming my thorns? I don’t want to be a rose without you. For so long, I was defense less and everyone was tearing my petals away for fun. It would be a reminder to everyone who approaches me with the intention to destroy me for their enjoyment. Would you be with me forever?

Me and my solitude

Am I a fake? I spend ninety-five percentage of my free time in solitude, and the rest was never enough to know someone else. If I had talked more with anyone, I would have known more about myself.  The five- percentage life was only filled with formal talks, never touching the feelings, only random jokes and all smiles. Noone knows me, not even me. There is still so much to discover in this book of mine, so many pages to turn, and I don’t know what those pages might tell.

My college life

When I entered that college, I hoped to put an end to the unending search for a friend, but they were so bent on abusing me and I couldn’t even understand what they were doing to me. That hope had life till the last day, and I continued to take hits without complaints. I was never looking for any kind of romance, and behind that happy face I have shown outside, there was someone who was crying inside. As a kid, everyone used to ask me why are you so silent? I didn’t know why they kept asking me that question, I was completely normal. I was doing battles within me when they were finding ways to torture me. It was not that I couldn’t react, it was because I was searching for a friend in everyone I met there. That’s why I couldn’t react to anything that was being thrown at me. To make things worse, they were creating traps for me, which made me highly uncomfortable. All I wanted there was someone to talk to, and all they did was abuse me, take advantage of my feelings and I have no good memories about that college, I ended upon only more damaged than ever before. I wish I could erase that part of my life from my memory.

Right now, you can understand the level of hurt they have caused me, and If I get a chance to give it back to them, I will give it back with full interest. So, I have only one thing to say to them, don’t give me a chance to destroy you, I would do with all the pleasure in the world. Stay away.

They think they are so smart, but actually they are only dumb. All they know about life is the bullshits they have done in their school life, and they are coming with that against me. What a pity. I know the things they do and why, because all of them are the same wicked bastards. One day, I’m going to see them all rot for the things they have done to me, and that day is not far away.

Their strategy to trap me was very weird. First, they tried to make me question me my self-worth, and then they tried to show me sympathy like I’m someone needing help. That’s how their plan went upside down. I didn’t need their sympathy, and I wasn’t even looking for a love life. Another mistake they did was they chose someone who is capable of showing no emotions, and things don’t work like that. It was like a dead body staring at me, and they expected me to have a heart attack with that. Dumb tactics.

I was sitting on a corner, minding my own business without hurting anyone, taking in all the abuses without even knowing they were treating me wrong. Then they tried to trap me, but I was going on with my life without minding anything, but I got trapped when someone acted like my friend to screw me up and I couldn’t understand his evil intentions. I was beginning to open up to him, then time showed me why I shouldn’t have.

If I had someone to open up to, then I wouldn’t have fallen into his trap. He set it all up, and at that time I trusted him so blindly. He convinced me that he was talking on behalf of her. It was a setup. Then they framed me for the things I haven’t done.

Months went past, I was damaged inside out, thanks to the folks at home and all the relatives. They made my life as horrible as it can be. Then one day, God found me, and I was saved.

About my home

Suppose you are a totally healthy person with a lot of confidence, but when you come here, you become vulnerable to everything. You think you can react to bullshit being said to you, but you can’t. They will produce anxiety in your face and suffocate you, making you feel like you are having asthma. You can’t be yourself in phone, because the moment you start to talk, you will feel the shortness of breath, and you will be needed to run outside to talk properly. For a newbie, he or she would think, it’s because of an anxiety attack or lack of confidence, but it isn’t. You got two options here, either run for your life outside or just remember God.  

My thoughts

If I’m going to die within two days, would I spend my time doing programming and make money? It’s an interesting question - What should I do? Even if I’m going to die within a year, would I still do it? What a boring kind of way to live.

As a kid, I used to play GTA and use cheat codes to load money into my account. One wisdom I found with that game is that no matter how much money I had, it was of no use. It was all numbers.

So, what should I do with my life? Should I spend my time doing coding when there are so many interesting things to do in this world?

When it comes to cars, I’m not the speeding type, and all cars does the same and they don’t fly. I’m the one who slows down and enjoys the view, not the zero to sixty in three seconds. So, why do I need so much money?

All the beautiful things in the world are free of cost. So, why do people need so much money and why should I follow their footsteps? Imagine watching the sunrise at early morning after waking up at five, that warmth when the sun’s rays touch our body, going for a long evening walk and watching the sunset, the fragrance of earth when rain comes after a long time, feeling the wind, and the list goes on and on. Do they come at a price tag? Still people are so stupid to spend their days working without even getting sunlight. They are like vampires when they come out of their offices, and the question is should I become one?

Changing thoughts

When you sleep, interesting things happen here. Worms bite on you with an intention to change you inside out in ways you can't imagine. They infect you with poison which doesn’t comes from their mind and returns to where they belong. In mornings, the poison starts talking to you, playing with your mind, twisting things and making you believe things which aren’t real. For a person who is experiencing those things for the first time will have no choice other than to believe it, but for me, it's not the same.

Message to my old self

I’m not jealous of you, the way you used to smile, the way you used to talk, and I can’t believe that you were me. If anyone asks me to go back to my old version, the answer is NO. That time, I was a lost kid, always following the crowd, my happiness was always at the mercy of others, and I had no time for myself. But now, I’m at peace. When I lie down, I feel like I’m being pampered, my worries gone, and instead of the temporary states like happiness or sadness, I feel peace. I think it’s better to be in this state than the former ones. Years ago, my heart used to break when something happens to my Internet connection or during the power cuts, but now, things are different. I have no regrets for spending the day doing nothing, and the truth is that it’s the most productive thing to do.