My diary

 Strength grows in uncomfortable situations, in uncertainties. The strength you need when your body demands you to close your eyes, but you don't know what happens, what will happen, all you can do is embrace the uncertainty and close your eyes. 

 I can't seem to notice how quickly time flows, sometimes I feel some years are missing, now I'm convincing myself I have lived every day by striking days in a calendar, and reaffirming everyday it's Saturday. What have I done all these time, all I know is there is no toxicity in my life and every day is beautiful.

 Where were you all my life, my dear smoke. With you, life is becoming easy, I blamed you all my life seeing those advertisements shown everywhere. Now, understand it has to be earned. I still don't understand why there is an ad showing terrible pictures in front of every cigarette packet, just saying Smoking Kills was enough. 

 Something was missing from the beginning, my favourite companion, the wind, nothing is enjoyable  without it. The tools I haven't used yet the coffee, I don't want to name the others, the list goes on and on. Some kind of new found freedom, suddenly my life is expanding, from running away from the smoke to walking with it.

 When I was a kid, I hated the smell of smoke, but now it's like fragrance. I used to stop my inhaling and run somewhere far away from that thing. Now I'm taking in without an ounce of regret. All credit goes to my brother.

 Have you ever enjoyed sadness? I'm doing it now. I don't feel trapped, it's like an unending sad music, I want to do it more and more. But I know how to shift my mood, like switching a track, I change myself from sadness to happiness, still sometimes I stay in that dark place for a little too long, looking into every memory, too critical about everything, in the end, I always gets out.

 There is nothing wrong in being single, what's wrong is being with the wrong person. We are growing every day and some day we will find our right partner. Maybe we won't, but it doesn't matter if every day is a celebration. But, sure we won't be a 70's movie where we talk so little and think how our life used to be.

 It's been a decade since that tragedy happened. When it happened, I started to think, approximately when can I recover, may be it was childish; It took 15 years to develop to my original state, so I thought another 15 years, maybe with me trying to the best, I was 21 at that time, what is supposed to be the beautiful time in everyone's life, I could recover, rounding up another four or five years 35, I will be alright without even touching medicines. Now I'm 32 I recovered well, and I'm unmarried, maybe another two or three years I will be in my original state. I'm in this position with no taste of medicines, maybe I should give some credit to myself about how I managed. Still that number is echoing inside my mind, 21, what an age to get destroyed. 

 Caution: This was not for publishing; Proceed at your own risk. Death is easy, painless, but if you want that way, you need to leave your body to somewhere far away before anyone finds out. What's painful is seeing your loved ones cry, otherwise it's not that hard. You know the atmosphere. I have seen this in some movie saying Death is for the living. I don't know why I'm suddenly talking about the Death, I don't know how many Deaths I have seen or participated in funerals, maybe more than auspicious occasions more vivid the experiences are those smell of Agarbathis but after a few days everyone leaves, all that will be left is some remembrance in a frame. But I hope the soul stays seeing their loved ones making sure they are okay, sometimes heartbroken how quickly they get back to their living followed by peace not happiness.  Sad truth; We can't fill the void when they leave. It's 30 Minutes past 12 in the night, I hope everyone is fine, I stay fine all t

 I still remember the colourful dark days, I used to wake up early in the morning, take a shower and I close my eyes listening to chants and devotional music. It was peaceful. I lost attachment to everything, I lost the fear of death, I lost  all the relationship attachments. I even had a thought what if I die today, but I wasn't worried, I don't know why I thought that way, I never felt anyone needing my presence, I was in pure bliss, like I have already lived enough. Looking back, I had no regrets, a life well lived with the comfort that though I have collected so many scars I never scarred anyone. And I never felt the need to look for Marriage, I was complete, enlightenment flowed into me, I knew we are nothing but flesh filled with hormones, all there is, a soul, an eternal one.  

 I'm silent for a reason, I know, I have been there on the receiving end, how words make you bleed. Sometimes it can change you in ways you can't imagine, can blur your vision every time you think about it.  Song playing right now : Walk Me Home(Chelsea Cutler). This song is special for so many reasons. Every time I heard it, I used to hear this line better than every other lines : "Sometimes Truth is too much to say, so it festers in there". I had to write a blog for three years to completely explain my side of the story.

I used to love evenings, I used to like how evenings turn to night, but now I'm liking the cold wind that visits me at night. There was a time when time moved so fast at night, now they are taking a pause, hours move slowly, and I have enough time to muse at night, and I'm not alone, I have someone with thorns, not bloomed yet, and we spend our time enjoying looking out the window, hearing the leaves whisper secrets I still can't understand.

13/07/2024. It will be etched in my memory. I request all my friends and my enemies to cooperate. I'm in ruins from toe to head. More sleep means more change, painful change, and I will have to forget the importance of this date forever.   

I have heard from somewhere that if you don't stand up for anything, you will fall for everything. So, all I did was that. It improved my self-esteem, self-respect, and I began to love my decisions and myself more. For everyone else, my decisions doesn't matter, but from my perspective, I'm doing things the right way. I was letting myself down for a long time, in a way, I was afraid of taking control of my life, but when it mattered the most, I wasn't hesitant to take control.

 Maroon, Grey, Black? The colours someone is trying to manipulate me. But we are not simple either Violet, Purple, Dark Blue, Red. We won't take a step back either. That much planning  like a Deer hunts a Cheetah, sounds dumb, what actually happens is the reverse. 

 Single life, it's not bad as I thought. It expands your life in many ways. It gives you freedom, otherwise lost. Also it grants you a life without settling for less, and wait till you find the right one. Why I'm telling these things is that, I hate the colours my home is painted, Grey, who paints that colour, that too grained, making it impossible to repaint. And also I don't understand why there is a Maroon Fridge in front of my home's entrance. Nobody has an answer why that fridge is the first thing anybody sees when they enter our home. The people representing these colours are not invited here, if they come as guests, they won't be leaving the same way. I asked the people in my home to do something to the Fridge, but they are not listening, that's why I'm writing this here.

 It was December 2014, the worst December of all Decembers as of now. It was not the physical damage that was affecting me, it was psychological too. It followed me everywhere from leaving out of home to all the temples I visited even two or three years of festivities in the nearby temple. But one day, myself steered me to a YouTube video named Lalitha Pancharatnam, that was everything I have needed for myself to recover. Otherwise I would be still struggling trapped in my own mind, how cruel, but she helped me wrap the story, and I slowly let go of all the sadness and tragedy that affected me. From then on I'm living a life full of bliss. Even in my solitude, I found myself at the peak of happiness. 

I admit I don't have financial security, but right now, this moment I feel peace, happiness more than anyone in this family. A decade ago, I thought, I had another definition for happiness, but now things are different. They thought I will suffocate when they are not around, but it was the reverse. I was paddling my boat that way before I met them since the day I remember.

How rich are you? The question that is in the mind of majority, if you are not, you will be pushed aside. But richness comes in many ways, growth comes in many ways. Measuring someone just in terms of money is the thing of the past. There is more to life than just money. What matters is how joyful you are when you are in your own company, if that's a celebration, you have everything. 

We live in a free world, we have every right to say No to anyone who we want. Maybe she is telling everyone that I have said No to her because she doesn't look that good or her skin tone, and everyone will be supporting her that I'm being an ass. But it's my freedom, I have one life, I don't want to spend it with someone who I feel no attraction, it must be mutual. It doesn't matter if you paint your colour everywhere, you have to respect the answer instead of being reckless.

How someone could be this cruel? Must have went to space when I took all the burden, maybe she felt zero gravity. But she flew a little too far to the extent that she even forgot her planet, when I was struggling to make my living in my little home in my small planet. My friends in the sky told me you are beautiful and she is not worth your effort. They promised me light in my darkest of days even if everyone leaves you in the middle of nowhere.  

Why would someone torch me alive when I'm so sure I have done nothing to deserve something like that. I had a simple life, sure there must be something that I'm still unaware of. One minute I was dreaming, and the next moment, I was on the floor motionless. No one has an explanation for anything, my mother says I was going through a bad phase and it's because of the time you had to go through all of it. I remember coming home healthy that's all I remember, the next thing I remember is sitting motionless with tilted head, I don't know why I sat that way.