My diary

We walked, and suddenly everything around us transformed into something magical. One moment, it was just a building, and then it became a place filled with flowers. Our footwear’s disappeared, and our path was filled with petals, making our path as beautiful as it can be. We kept on walking until we reached the steps. Looking up, we could see where we are heading to, and the clouds were calling us. After gazing at each other, we took our steps together, and there, we spend time without knowing time. We stayed there enjoying each other’s company until the sun told us it’s time to leave. So, we left knowing that what’s waiting in front of us is something far more incredible, and we don’t want to be late.

People say you don’t need a mirror, if you have a friend. And I believed it, I trusted them blindly. My friends were so good at choosing things for me, their Color sense was unbelievable. Grey, violet, black, and they thought I wouldn’t notice. What was their intention, why did they choose those Colors for me instead of the blue, I chose?  

I asked someone for directions, and she pointed me to a door. As I took every step, I didn’t know I was walking to someplace special, and there was this girl waiting for me. After entering the room, I sat across her, and she was writing something, maybe about me, but I came prepared, I came with one writing too. I gave her what I had, and she took it and wrote something in return. I still have that writing with me, safe. It helps me travel through time, to relive those moments.  

When I was a child, people used to ask me about my dream, and the one answer I found out was to own a private jet, and when they ask about my ambition, I had no answer. But now, instead of private jet, all I dream is fishing in the backwaters with someone. She taught me enough patience to go for fishing. One or two years back, I was a restless soul, doing thing after thing making the day as productive as possible, but now I have slowed down and I don’t want to rush anymore. I want to take every step of my life in slow motion, and I don’t want to be the flash I used to be. There is so much beauty and peace in slowing down, to enjoy the wind, to sit for an entire day doing nothing. I don’t want to run like everyone else, and I don’t want to achieve anything in life. I want to live.

I was asleep when they abused me, but not totally, there was this side of me who was watching and suffering everything in silence. And they thought they are going to get away with it. I feel sorry for my other side for having to go through all of that shit. So, I’m going to team up with my other side, and that’s an awesome combination. Nothing is forgotten and my other side have all the accounts and it’s all about time. So, where would you run? You have seen only me, not the other me. Trust me, he is beyond your imagination. You didn’t hurt me, you hurt the part of me you shouldn’t mess with. From now on, I’m embracing, you know, what.  

It was raining, and she was there looking at the rain. Stuck there without an umbrella, but at same time enjoying every droplets. That’s when I saw her, and I stood there enjoying everything she does with her eyes. I couldn’t resist talking to her, so I stepped forward opening my umbrella. Suddenly everything around us stopped except the rain. I moved forward to her, and she realised me. I told her about my wish to talk to her, and we stepped forward. Both of us in the middle of the rain, saying nothing particular, just gazing at each other’s eyes. Rain continued and we stood there, saying things without actually saying anything. After sometime, the rain stopped, and then came the warm sunlight and we didn’t move. We never had the mind to leave, so I became a flower and she held it close to her.  

This is a place where real things become fake, food becomes poison, here your reflections in the mirror lie to you. At night, people become monsters, ghosts starts staring at you, people you trust becomes the one that curses you, and in the end you wake up different than yesterday, little damaged inside out to fight another battle and this time it’s for the very breath you hold. When you get thirsty, you search for the water and what you find has an iron taste in it, only reminding of blood. Sometimes, sleep will call you to bed, but you can’t close your eyes, because it’s what they want. Once you drift into your sleep, they start pulling you from your body, but God never allows that to happen. It’s the only reason why I’m still alive. I’m not taking one day at a time, I’m taking one hour at a time. Looking outside, I can see the thunder screaming my name, birds staring at me, and the strange thing is that my reactions have gone cold. Nothing provokes me, nothing hurts me, and all I fe

Something’s changed in me. No matter how hard I try, I couldn’t go back to my old self, small talks no longer interests me, I don’t know what to talk, I don’t know whom to talk to. I know peace now, but I don’t know when was the last time I felt happiness, when I laughed for real. What happened to me? Is this what growing up is? Is there something wrong in me? What happened to my smile? Where did that go? I try to go back to my old version when I talk to people, but it feels like work. I can sit all day doing nothing, and I don’t feel anything bad in it. Just staring into the sky.  

We were rowing, and we knew where we were heading to, but we were not sad, for we had each other. As we reached the mouth of the waterfall, we sat close to each other and held our hands together. But, we were never doubtful about our future as we were sure that we will see the calm waters again. As expected, we fell deep into the water and found each other again. From then on, we never needed a canoe and the place we reached was a paradise.  

What were you thinking when I came looking for an answer? What were you thinking when you insulted me in countless ways? It would break me? That I’m desperate? No, bitch. I was nailing you so that you would never come back in my life and you gave me plenty of reasons why I should throw stones at you when we see again. But, in the process, I had to pay a big price for that. It was all psychological, and I was on the mark. I never wanted to live the rest of my life with that burden, that’s the only reason I came for an answer. In short, I was kicking you out of my life in my own way. I never had anything for you, and all of you were forcing me, and played me psychologically. So, I did the same thing. Now, that door disappeared forever, and all I have is disgust for you, for the way you treated me. You made me feel like a stalker, destroyed my self respect, and burned me alive. What a bitch!

What happens to the clothes that belongs to the dead people? I don’t think anyone would keep it, people would either get rid of it or burn it. But, in my place the things are different. They keep it in the name of love, and wears it. You can know something is wrong when you are near those clothes, weird things start happening. Those things are everywhere now a days, on the wardrobe, on the bathroom, on the sofa. Why are they doing it? They open the wardrobe for silly reasons, and I have a question, who keeps their medicine inside their wardrobe, that too inside the locker ? Weird, right?  

Something is wrong these days, the atmosphere is not good, showing ominous signs like something bad is going to happen. Day time seems normal, and everything is going on as usual, but I can see desperation in people’s eyes, like they want something to happen, and it’s not happening. If things happened as per their plan, I wouldn’t be writing this now. It’s not the humans I should be afraid of, but the things that move invisible. One night I saw someone running upstairs, and I don’t know who that is. No one in my home needs to run upstairs at midnight. When I sleep someone plays with my hair, and at mornings, something wakes me up by pressing me with a finger, and sometimes by moving in front of me in lightning speed as I open my eyes. At first these things used to disturb my sleep, but now, I open my eyes, sees the moving shades, and goes back to sleep. When I look on the floor of my room, all I could see is strands of hair mixed with some kind of dust and pink stuff. I don’t know how

What if the end is near? What if something bad is going to happen soon? What if all the money in your bank account just vanishes? What if the whole things disappear, bank, money, dreams, jobs, and all you get to do is survive? Would you wake up then? What are you living for? Money, right? Do you need to save that much money, working all days till decrepitude finally catches you? Your justification for that will be for the sake of your family. People disrespect those who spend their time doing nothing, why? It’s the most productive thing to do, to pause from being a machine, to look back on your life, to gain a new perspective, to heal, to discover yourself. Sometimes, people take a lot of time to just do that, and once you get the hang of it, it’s addictive. Our sense of realities change, making us shift from the timeline our society set for us. If you look into others life, their timelines are all the same. All they want is money till retirement, and they forget about the things that

My doors will be closed, always, for certain people. It doesn’t matter whatever stories you stitch up. Everything that happened to me is real, all the hurt, the scars. So please, get out of my life. That’s all I’m asking. Don’t haunt me, I want to live my life, at least from now on. If it was one or two years back, I would have believed everything you are whispering to me, like it was because of my intelligence, but now, I have outgrown it. Old techniques or newer techniques, my doors will always be closed. I can do this by talking in your language by using abusive words, but I’m not doing that. I want you to understand what I’m talking about. There is no way anything related to my past can get into my life now. Your roles are over in my life unless you want to fight me. And it won’t work out for you, you are going to lose. I’m not telling anything else, all I’m asking you is to live your life well and let others live in peace. Mind your own business. Stay safe.

When you stepped out of that room, I was there in the canoe waiting for you, invisible, looking at you, and I was waiting for you to get in. As you took every step forward, something was flowing through me and I never felt that way in my entire life. I was feeling some kind of higher state, and it was beyond words. When you sat in the canoe, I was sitting opposite to you watching your reactions on seeing the nature around us. I wanted to freeze that moment and come closer to you, but I never had the mind to disturb that beautiful moment. And we were making memories, I was looking at you, and sometimes I felt like our eyes met each other. What if you knew I was there looking at you, and you were pretending I was not there. Like that, we travelled so far, and those memories are the beautiful moments of my life. And everyday I row my canoe to the front of that room, waiting for you, and all you need to do is close your eyes, and open that door.