My diary

We are contend with how things are going. Not giving upon each other. She surely understands why I'm given a penis. I guess that settles every issues, plus everything else makes me superhuman. So it's a win-win. I even thinks this division is a part of growth, without it you are just a human, now I'm a step above it, still so many levels to unlock, so I think I should continue praying to the Legends in front of me and I'm sure they will  lead me to where I should be and where I belong. Everyone else, I need to tell them, failure is a part of growth, so I failed like falling from the 12th floor. So, here I'm, patching up everything, and still trying to smile, and I'm almost there. We don't have regrets, at least we didn't die like them.

Why everyone should read RED books? Because it's fun, I don't know if it is because of me being the opposite gender, they have more depth and emotions. Sometimes when everyone leaves, they are the only ones there, to give you a hug, to make you see things that are beyond anyone's comprehension.

You should listen to this music You are in Love by Taylor Swift, it's true, but it never happened to me, and no one can force these things. It must happen without any compulsion. This is honest me talking. You can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home, you can see it with the lights out, you are in love, true in love, you are in love.

Why did I couldn't move on initially? From the first day itself,  when I wake up, there was this weight placed over my chest, I couldn't even breathe properly. I didn't knew then there is God, temples and all you have to do was visit one. I fell for heartaches. But now nothing affects me, if there is a bird in my head, I know it's not me, it's the bird talking. I wish I had prayed to God so early in my life.

What are 20 facts? Why did I tell those things when I had no need for anything to do? I thought him as my bestie even though he never treated me like one, I just never wanted to know anything about me from anyone else other than me. So, I told him everything in a way that aligns my interest, I wasn’t twisting the facts, I was bending them. If you want to know the truth you have to remove that twisting, it’s hard to do now, even I don’t remember now what I told him. It must be probably in the stomach of some non-existential worm. One of the reasons why I hate him so much. I didn’t know he was going to telecast it. Why the silence till now? Because these are the things men never say to each other, simple as that. Imagine me saying this to him, probably in native language, how does that sound. Ew, that’s what it sounds like, these are the things we nod. But my trust was betrayed, what was supposed to be a personal talk, he made it public, I don’t know the extent of damage he caused me

I'm not afraid to cry, but I want to do it somewhere private and the only private place I found is under closed eyes. With every tear drop comes the change, the change I'm not afraid of, but people no longer recognizes me anymore, even I don't recognize myself. I used to give twice the amount of replies, now everything feels so difficult. 

I can't swim the ocean like this forever. Powerful. It used to make me emotional, break me, but now I'm not receiving my full back up like some part of me is holding me together, the one who snaps the finger. Maybe my feminine is beginning to fade, closing her eyes for a long sleep like war is coming and she need to rest and the time has come to become one not by becoming one but by putting one half of me to rest. Not even a single drop from my other side.

Clouds inside my chest, the birds left my head a long time ago, it's like an ocean without waves, a sky without a Sun, only dark clouds, and rain. I just walk along the shore waiting for the waves. Someday, I will see them because I'm tired of the calm waters. And I keep hoping that those waves will wake me up from this deep sleep of mine.

The five minutes in the earth is half an hour in the world of mine. I don't know how quickly the time flies, morning suddenly becomes evenings, years pass like days, what am I doing all these time, I have no idea, all I know is my paintings look nice, my writings are a wonderful thing to go through, and I learned how to be happy with myself.

Why should we sleep when the world is so beautiful? I like to explore the world in beautiful ways, I know I'm capable of smiling inside the dark clouds, but I chose to fly with the wind in the greens  and looking at the mountains.

What happens when we watch the opposite sex, the same frame in different angles which is worth only viewing a minute, but we watch so long, too long that even morning becomes evening. 

I appreciate the native music, you can be in love, you can be in celebration, but has no power to lift you up. But this is magic, Power to rise from the ashes. You can be in everything, but you lose the reality. You can't always smile, sometimes you need to walk through pain, sometimes it won't be pain, you don't understand what's wrong with you, you feel so peaceful, so much silence, and all you need to hear is someone scream, and that is what you ultimately want. 

They are still trying to keep me in a circle, why? According to information they provided, the pictures I have seen, she is somebody's wife, mother of two children, she has a family to run by, and what is she doing here as a ghost haunting me? What does she think of herself? One day, someone who I thought to be my friend asked me this question, like there is no other women in this world?  Such devious planning, what did she thought I will go to her current place now, and rent a house, and wait for her from morning to evening? She needs to grow up, even these things never even happen in movies. Just look at my life, I don't even think of her not even a single time unless someone deliberately plant it. When I was in that rented home, there was not even an autorickshaw to remind me of her.  I'm talking facts here, not the type of these are facts type. This is how life is.  

I believe in Karma, If I do that to someone else, sure, the same thing is going to happen to me by someone else. Boundaries are there for a reason, we don't cross and if someone else crosses ours the entire Universe stands united with us.

  Kelly is shadow boxing the other half, but I'm not. We are a team. I won't be told what supposed to be right, I agree with Kelly on that. Yeah, this is my life.

Some magic is there when you take in the first smoke of tobacco. I'm not telling you are going to travel outside of your world, but sure your vision gets clear, your senses fire up, but the sad part is that I used to be in that nature some years ago, I never needed a smoke to feel like myself, I can feel it inside me if my shoulder size was, I'm not talking measurements, it's like spreading my wings, everything changes, your posture, you can see your best version while you walk, confidence is in the air, like going for a fight alone without any fear of death.