My diary

One thing is bothering me, why they didn’t harass me when I was going to that institution? They never made a move, why? No visions, no mind games. Then suddenly they returned when I cut myself off from that place. They wanted to play the game, but I was no longer available for such games. Maybe it irks them when I’m busy in my world not even remembering their existence. They thought I would go far, Instead I locked my doors from the inside, and prayed to the extent that everything became clear, their toxins, everything gone. But when I opened my doors, everything felt different, I was trying to reconnect with everyone, but they were hesitant, they talk only the reply to my texts, nothing more, no effort from their side, making me feel like I was bothering them. I started with people who were good to me, and they are the one who became cold at their responses, it was disappointing.

I dream about a day where nothing from my past bothers me. Now, anyone can access me and violate my privacy, and this has to change. Whatever they can do, first look for an appointment, and If I deny it return home, simple as that. Talking face to face, the way normal people do, not other ways and talking anything they want. By doing things indirectly, they are making thing worse, it’s helping neither of us. Harassment, it’s the only word that suits what they are doing. They are not invited here, still they come like guests uninvited without any shame. I got free will, and no one can deny it. Using force is not the way. Respect others, or you will be taught to.

When I was recovering from the damage, they returned to haunt me. They wanted me to chase her even after everything that happened to me. They wanted to travel far, but the truth is I wouldn’t jump a puddle for her. And they dreamed, I would buy a vehicle and make a long trip to that place, and they whispered different plans in my ears. 

Someone is smiling inside me. He once smiled at a funeral, almost gave me a heart attack. We are the two sides of a coin. We are one, yes, we can say that, still, doubtful. I almost ended up bursting out laughing, I ran from that funeral covering my mouth, and cried silently thinking about that. I couldn’t look at their faces, for some of them saw me control my laughing. I didn’t know how to explain to them, I was shocked at my own actions, but now I have some idea, but don’t know the reason for that. She was good to me.

Why break? I was too busy in my life for such shit. What happened in my life? I have never done anything that made me question my self-worth. I still live with my head held high. Look at those around me, a ticking bomb, one day, they are going to ask questions to themselves, by that time, they would be at the end of their life to repeat the next life cycle. They are going to feel the torment when they realise their life was worth nothing with nothing to love about themselves, only some haunting memories of how lowly they conducted their life. With nothing, just numbers, in their bank account, deteriorating health, being forced to know how helpless they have become, unable to correct their mistakes, see their life slipping away, and taking their last breath admitting they were wrong.

And we call them men. And there are some who lives the life of mosquitoes who bites us when we are asleep, all they need is a slap to die. I know when they read this, it’s going to hurt, and hurt and hurt until it’s eternal, it’s not going to stop. Because every word is true. They better cut off their manhood and commit suicide.  Good for nothing cowards.

Lalitha Sahasranamam helped me in so many wonderful ways, it helped me eradicate so many negative energies haunting me for so long. At first, these negative energies never allowed me to hear it properly, when I turn on my device for listening it, all kinds of thoughts used to rush into my mind, and when it ends, I can barely remember anything I have heard, it was like thirty minutes of chanting was only five minutes, but the things that crept into my mind was long, weird and things that were totally unrelated. But I was never the one to give up, I made it a habit to listen to it daily, and slowly these noises came down, the chanting gradually became clear to me. So does the haunting by these negative energies that was hurting me for a long time.

Actually, I don’t have any problems, it’s just that the other me has stopped cooperating. I know when I’m feeling it and when the other me is feeling it, and I have zero problems. I’m perfectly fine. For anything to happen, we must be on the same page. I can do the same too, stop cooperating. It means we are at war, against each other, I can’t blame him, the reasons are plenty. Many are walking free after hurting me, and I’m not doing anything, I’m stuck, tongue tied, what else there needs to be, for the injustices I had to face, he is not happy with me, and I’m helpless. When we go for a marriage, we look for a match through Jataka, I think what is important is that my demons should like yours. Otherwise, there is no point. I like my recent choices, and we are one.

It's cold here. I don’t need to turn on the fan, but I let it run, for it gives some kind of comfort and security. They want me to sleep and let go, and wake up. To another dimension. I should be worried, but I’m not, I’m no different from the climate here, cold.