It was all I needed...

I have walked this road before, but something was different this time. I was in no hurry, taking my time, enjoying every step, breathing deep, looking at the sky for my friends. Usually, there was this rush which never allowed me to breathe, like going for a mission ignoring all the details of the journey, only thinking about the final destination, but now everything has changed. I’m no longer thinking about what’s in store for me, not even what happens in the next hour, just feeling the earth beneath my feet, and the cool breeze washing my body. I used to rush things, but now I’m learning to enjoy waiting even in adverse circumstances. It took a lot of time to get myself to this stage, from running to walking, to learn patience. Looking back to my life, I don’t think I have breathed properly, maybe it was all I needed, deep breaths, not anything else. It could be the only reason why I struggled all my life. I wish I had found this truth when I was a kid, and it took me twenty nine years to find out. If I could get a chance to travel back to that time, I would have told myself to do this one thing, breathe!

Healing

He was standing there for hours searching, but it didn’t make him tired, something was burning inside him, waiting to spread on someone. Sometimes, he took the shape of a snake, while no one was watching, producing venom, waiting to strike, flickering between his human form and the reptile form. 

When he saw his prey, he slowly started moving, and as soon as he reached near the prey, he didn’t know how to approach, was feeling a light brain fade moment, and started sweating.He felt shyness in introducing himself, and all the courage he had melted away. So, he took his ferocious reptile form and circled his prey, but the prey was kind to animals and never tried to hurt him. 

Instead, that person talked to that reptile and gave confidence to take his human form. As soon as he took his human form, he tried to scar his prey, but by doing so, he lost all the respect and love his prey had for him.

This guy never thought that he will fall to this low, forgetting that the others too had feelings. The venom was consuming him, and he couldn’t hide his frustration. So, he went near a tree, and sat looking into the horizon. 

What was he thinking when he was sitting there, was he planning for his next strike? 

The venom started burning him, and those who were sitting next to him. In that process, they didn’t know they were scarring themselves. But, God had other plans, a slight drizzle came out of the blue, then it became strong, extinguishing the fire that was burning him, reducing it into embers and then completely making it disappear. Suddenly, some weight he was carrying disappeared into the rain, paving the way for his healing.

Orphan

I was looking into the sky finding explanations, adjusting my mind to fit into the current situation, trying to console my mind by focusing on other things. I tried to look into the life from different angles, and that’s when I knew that it’s not the end. Then I salvaged what’s left for me, and lived a life full of peace. I couldn’t even shed a drop of tear, complained to no one, and was finding reasons other than the real one. But what happened was unimaginable, and I was missing the facts completely. One day, I revisited each and everything that happened to me, and that’s when I knew I was betrayed.

Suddenly, I became an orphan.

Smile

They were talking endlessly about him, and he just sat there like a stone, unable to react. He was hearing everything they were saying, but was listening to nothing, and all he could do was smile. When he walked, he felt heavy, tears blurred his vision, but those tears betrayed him too. They never fell to his cheeks, they just disappeared. As time passed, he gradually became numb, and deep inside, something was broken. He doesn’t know what happened to him yet. He doesn’t even seems to notice when someone insults him, all he could do was smile.

Suffocating

Night’s, it’s getting eerily weird, like someone’s playing with my hair when I close my eyes. I keep thinking in my head, what if I open my eyes and have a look around, but I don’t want to see the face of any wretched creatures, So I sleep ignoring all the weirdness that’s happening here. Nowadays, it’s getting intensely suffocating, and all I want is to get out of here. As the clock ticks by, all I see is uncertainties looming over my head, and I can’t explain this to anyone, because no one will believe me. Also, I can’t confront what’s haunting me either, for I don’t know what I’m up against.

When I wrote this, I never looked behind me, because I don’t want to see what shouldn’t be seen.

 

Money

I don’t run for money like everyone is. I try to imagine, What if I had billions in my bank account? I don’t even have anything to search in Amazon, most of the time, I find it difficult. My wants are few, so what will I do with that amount of money? Sometimes Amazon helps me by recommending products; still I don’t feel like owning everything.

 People around me will do anything for money, they are willing to spend their valuable time accumulating it, and they find happiness in their account balance. So, I want to ask myself, do I want such a life? They make money to find happiness, but I find it in many other things.

 One thing I found out with my life is that people will ignore us, if we don’t have enough money, they will treat you like you are invisible, but they are living in their own fictional world, I feel pity for them. They choose people comparing money and status, not out of respect for their character. And what they talk is just mere acting. Then they carry on with their life like a machine, without taking time for reflecting back on their life, just living on a daily basis.

 I have a question, is it right to ask a child “What’s your ambition?” I would rather say “go live your life, don’t listen to anyone except yourself. People will tell you that you should be like someone, please don’t listen. All you have to do is stay true to yourself and live your life”.

 

The writing

The fragrance, it’s everywhere, and I wondered where this is coming from. So, I decided to open my eyes, and then I saw myself covered in petals. I stood up and looked around, the fragrance and those petals were calling me to somewhere. Then I started moving following the fragrance and those scattered beautiful petals. It took me to a place decorated with flowers, and they were whispering to me things I was waiting to hear for so long. I asked them about this place, and they were smiling. I took a step forward, and suddenly I’m in a room, and there was some writing on the wall. It told me “ Don’t wander around too much”. After reading it, I stepped out. As I was stepping out, I wanted to look back on the writing and ask more things. Now, when I close my eyes I dream of going back to that place, and asking more things about everything, those fragrances, whispers and those petals that lead me there. Sometimes, the room changes itself into some beautiful place where there are an infinite number of waves, and I just stare at them with that writing on my arms.

The lock

The door is locked from inside, and the only person who can unlock it is me. I have been trying to pull it open for a long time, but I never succeeded, for I was pulling it without turning the lock off. Instead, I waited inside my room for someone to bang it open, but no one came. No one knocked on the door, and I never noticed that it is only me who can help me. I was beating and crying at the door, still no one came. All I have to do is unlock it, but it’s too hard for me. What if someone at the other side could talk some sense into me, and it’s just a wish. I expect some help, and the only thing that could set me free feels like the scariest. No one is missing me, if they had been why didn’t they come looking for me? Why did they ignore my call for help? Maybe my existence never mattered to them. I can’t blame them, for they don’t know me. Everyone seems to be busy with their own life, another reason they couldn’t see me. I’m in an open cage, where there are no bars, and the key is right in front of me, still I couldn’t help myself. I was born and raised in a cage, without knowing freedom. Like an elephant in chains. If you challenge that animal enough, you know how it will react and what the consequences will be. Those chains will be no match for that animal. So, I’m just like that elephant, accepting all the tortures they are throwing at me, doing what they say, chained. Someday, I’m going to show my wild side, and it won’t be pretty. Then I will walk back to the jungle, where I can be free, healing the wounds the chains have caused me, bathing in the mud, hanging out with the herd. And from that day onwards, I will be the wild elephant, unable to be tamed. If our paths cross again, they will know how my kick feels like.

No one knows me

I tried. That's all I know. Nobody knows how my life was and they judge me with their limited perspective and past conditioning. It wasn't easy for me, every day of my existence. Everybody knows me, still no one really knows me.

Everyone had someone to share their emotions, I had none. So I had to find happiness in my solitude. That’s how I became so strong at being alone. When tears come rolling, I had only myself to wipe it away, but it comes with an advantage, you can’t cry for long, having someone to console you just adds fuel to your emotions and tends to cry more. So, I think its better this way.

Questions

Someday, the reflection in your mirror will start asking questions about everything you did including your deepest scars. Sometimes, you may find it hard to find words to express what you did, and that day is the greatest horror that your life is waiting. You may have everything, you maybe a billionaire, but if that person in the mirror is not with you, then what's the point?

DESIRE

Desire, the word that lost relevance in my life. Is that a problem or the door to freedom? Before that word disappeared from my life, I had no time for anything, but now, it feels like there is only time. Nobody can take anything away from me, for there is nothing with me except this body of mine. One day I'm going to let go of it too. We entered this world with nothing and will leave the same way, right? Will anyone miss me, when I'm gone? I guess I have to find it out on my own. Would I get to live in anyone's memory? I don't think so, maybe a few days or some matter of hours. Then I will sit on the wall smiling, waiting for my next assignment. People around me are not aware of these little things, and they are working two third of their day doing some horrible, repetitive work, and they are repeating this till the age of retirement, then they start to realize what really mattered and what not. Still they won't correct their wrongs with the next generation, and they believe this is how everyone should live, but deep inside they know there was a better way of how things should have been.