My diary

There is something I should have said earlier, there is a kid here who has a dark complexion, and today it made its presence felt the second time. This time it wanted music. To turn on music. He seems to like my kind of music, the party ones. At the first time, it showed me the arms, that’s how I knew about his complexion, and when I blinked my eyes and had a proper look there was this dirt and dust in place where the hand was placed. Today I heard its voice and whispered “paatu”.

What do I hate the most because of my school life? The smell of milk and the rain, both terrified me. These things used to make me feel heavy, I was never comfortable, the play area also terrified me, the sounds it produces, I was like an alien, and there was no one to help me, and I wasn’t the talking type either. It was a challenge for me everyday walking through my life. So, I don’t want to call it a frozen life, I was just simply beating my daemons way before, I don’t know about others, life threw me dummy challenges. And I walked alone always, everywhere, I never felt bad when I’m alone. I watched people, and asked myself why they do certain things, and I was finding answers on my own. Still, those two things never fail to make me time travel, truth said, it was horror for me.

I was busy all my life, doing one thing after another, but failing to live my life. There is a world outside of schools, colleges and books, and I missed all of it. I have no story, it’s only me from start to end. But these recent years, I have changed, someone changed me into doing nothing other than Facebook and Instagram. At first, it was not comfortable, I was already way too behind in my life, and I thought I’m wasting my life. If you haven’t tried it, you should try it, all the heavy thoughts rushing to you, you can’t close your eyes. I wish I hadn’t spent my time with books, I wish I had looked around me, the life everyone was having. I had to let go of everything, I had to severe the attachment to all the time telling machines to finally be free. Then I thought What the worse could happen, but it wasn’t too bad, I accepted the bad things and closed my eyes to open my eyes in the new reality. And I was reborn.

I had the strangest dream, it was my old home where this new home is placed, there was my brother and I don’t know about others, but I feel like they were there. And they were trying to make me comfortable with snakes, huge ones. The dream was not scary, it was trying to make me comfortable with snakes. I’m not going into the details. It was like using them as belt, and then running from them. They were not trying to make me “ew”. It was like introducing me to toy snakes of my thigh width.

I will forgive anyone, but not him, not her. That telephone conversation, how naïve I become, I still remember, how they used my trust. I don’t want to see him neither her ever in my life again. One day his actions are going to bite him back, and it will be too much for him. The best thing they could do is stay away, or something will happen to them. I’m not saying I will ever spend a minute chasing them for revenge, but if they destroy anything more, my anger is beyond words, I’m not getting enough words to explain. I’m not asking for a war; I just simply want them gone from my life. And rot wherever else they want. How generous I could more become.

I’m skipping those parts not because of disrespect, I do not want this to settle down, I want justice for the past ten years. I don’t want it to fade away. I want everyone who is responsible to pay for it. That’s why I’m skipping his songs and everything about him. Not because I hate him. I want to see it all. I want to see them feel why everything is happening to them without myself uttering a word. On those events, they will think of me, and I will wait and see all of it happen. God will be on my side even if no one else is.

There is something about this room today. This room smells like flowers, I don’t know what flower it is, when I left this room an hour ago, it had a rotten, stagnated smell because of being closed up. But now it’s different. I guess I’m not alone here.