My diary

At first, I thought he was doing me a favor, but he was not, all he needed was a person who buys some kind of energy drink he was advertising for. First, he makes me capable of joining the program only to leak it out from the other end. It’s not just that, he had motives. One day he discussed about liquor, cigarettes and women, and he was advocating that I must try everything at least once in my life, but I never agreed to both of his plans. After that, he became so frustrated with me for not allowing to get manipulated. He might be sitting in a better job than me, but that doesn’t mean he deserves respect like he was demanding. Respect is to be earned, and he lost all of it by repeatedly forcing me to join that program. I told him no right in his face, and from then onwards, he was rude to me.

I’m thinking about why I didn’t react; I still don’t get it. All I can remember is I spend most of my time in bed, fully medicated. Then they took me to a temple and made me eat five pomegranate per day (don’t remember the exact number) for I don’t know, maybe two or three days, and then to a nearby temple and had some pooja, and that’s where they started doing their mistakes. My mother made me drink coconut water facing west direction after telling me it’s the east direction. Maybe that wouldn’t matter much, but that’s the seed, after that I started questioning every action of theirs. God’s power, I guess. I never knew what happened to me for a long time, for I never bothered to check. I guess it took more than six months, even closer to a year for that to happen, but I never doubted them, I was finding other explanations to what was happening. Then that seed grew, I started thinking opposite to everything my brother says, and I finally understood what he is.

I never asked myself these questions, why the hospital, for my head was full of her, honestly, I just wanted to see her alive, after all the things that they have shown inside my head, I even prayed for her. Then, one day when I went to the college for submitting the exam fees, I felt this rage, that’s when for the first time I sliced her apart in my mind. After that it was peace until I graduated. Then, this day when I watched Coldplay’s Hypnotised, I was seeing something with my eyes open, but I was watching the video. The next thing I did is cut off all the threads in my arms. That’s how they returned to haunt me until the day I started praying. From then on, it has been my days.

A late bloomer, not yet bloomed. Always late at everything, but I always make it on time. The only times I never made it, because I never wanted to. It has been hard work trying to be everyone else. Now, it’s real, no facade, just being myself.

My brother is sick, after everything, he is not willing to stop. Just imagine when he goes to a real job, the debt will be too large to handle. If he makes 10,000 per month, just how many months will it take to repay 1,00,000. He will be losing a large part of his life repaying. Why? One day, he asked me what will it take to earn respect from other people, that version of me told own a BMW and put it in the car porch. But that version of me has evolved, and my brother stayed the same. He wants to be respected by relatives and neighborhood people, but he is not willing to work for it. When I went for a job, he told me that I’m being a slave. When I went there, I saw how much easy is to make money by putting a little work. The problem is he never went for a real job, and from where he is standing now, it’s difficult to imagine working like normal people. He is playing with money, and the salary of people is too little for him. One day, it’s going to run out, then he will come down from t

That interview, the video was all about. Everyone was called for the interview, but we were stranded there for hours. And when finally called for the interview, we were never asked a question, his excuse was he was getting late. Why? I was picked up by my friends in the morning and they even produced a resume for me which I was finding it impossible to get. So, what happened?  

I wonder what was going on everyone’s mind when I was going after her. Did they enjoy? I still can’t believe the things I did, but the right people will understand why I did certain things and the intensity of betrayal I had to face. At that time, praying to God, going to temple were a formality, I wish I had known how to pray. It was like some spell was on me, I couldn’t shift my thoughts, they were suffocating me. I thought every self-talk, everything that’s going on my mind was my creation, but I was wrong. They knew everything that was going to happen months before and they were mocking me, and I couldn’t understand how all of it was happening. On that night at the relative’s house, when I closed my eyes, I had a vision, how? After everything happened, I couldn’t sleep alone, and pillows were my company when everyone left. It’s not because of being afraid or terrified about anything, I needed someone to comfort me, to get rid of the shivering like feeling. Still, they were never re

Years ago, I trusted people blindly, and never suspected any of their actions. Somatheeram was one of it. They took me there for no reason, one time in a bike, another in a car, and after getting there we did nothing. All I did was wash my feat under the waves. Now, I ask why? Why did they take me there? It happened two times, I remember. Then, on one Onam celebration day, they took me to a beverage shop and told me to keep the liquor when I was sitting behind. I wonder what story they made up, they should have shared with some one about the events of the day and who were all with them.

Some time ago, someone made a comment about my height, something no one should do. I was resisting my tears by looking into the sky. I wouldn’t do that to anyone, for I will hate myself for the rest of my life. She must have a very thick skin. What makes her so qualified for making such a statement? Maybe she was up at the sky, the praises about her had gotten into her head, and she would have thought she can make any comment about anyone. I didn’t deserve any of it, and she never deserved any of my attention. Still, I went for complete closure. I never met bad people in my life until then, people like them reminded me about evil.