My diary

XDA developers has some content regarding what was going inside my phone. I have uploaded the proof in that site including graphs showing how much excess data the background processes were taking. But everyone was telling me that after OS updating, there were no chances of any malware getting into my phone, but I didn’t see the malware in my home talking to me. This is the only reason why I was stubborn in getting an answer from her. My mind was presenting to me a lot of what if, and I felt like I had to clear it up. I did everything in my power to have a good conversation with her, but she wasn’t ready for anything. They even warned me from going back to her place, threatening to call Police if they ever found me roaming around her. And the folks in my home took advantage of that loophole. Something tells me I shouldn’t talk any further. What’s done is done.  All my doors were closed, and my mind started to expect her in my place, hoping she would do the same, but I was naïve.

As a kid, I was always cautious of everything, how I walk, how I talk, going through the few exchanges over and over again. At school, I was always growing by myself, watching, listening to what I should be, leaving the boring lectures. For so long, I was this way, looking at people, how they interact, thinking out loud about why they do certain things, and I was finding answers on my own. I was bad at communication, but I was learning. But all of it made me who I’m today, all by myself. And after all of this, some people thought they can hurt me by leaving me behind.

I wish he was not manipulative. I gave him more chances than he deserves, and what he did is ruin my life. When they started playing mind games, he made it worse. The things only me and the people in my college knew, he was using it. I asked many times with those people who I thought to be my friends that did they ever talk to him, but they lied. How else could he know everything that’s happening there. When he does the mind games with those people, I forgive him, hoping that this would be the last time he would be doing it, but he was never willing to stop. I used to have a happy place, and they ruined everything.

There are some people in my life who thinks highly of themselves. They think I admire them, but all I do is nod, and most of the time I’m not even listening. There was a time when I used to follow such people, but not anymore. I can see right through them, their dirt and their lies. Some of them do on purpose, so that one day I snap, but I don’t feel anything besides sorry.

She was acting like a saint, after torturing me for four years. If she had no guts, she should have kept it to herself, why did she attempted to reach out to me through other people? If you look at my history, it’s clear that I never tried to stick where I feel like I didn’t belong.  Every time, I tried to get an answer I was burning myself; I should have left it without giving her the benefit of doubt. All I wanted was a normal conversation, but they were never ready to listen. 

The things I have done is absolutely insane. But I can’t blame myself for it, it’s their conditioning for four years, and they made me believe that she was talking through him. If she had any spine, she would have come forward, instead she kept her mouth shut. I doubt whether she would stand up for anything in her life. She should understand the value of something called self-respect. Without it, life is meaningless.

Some time ago, I surrendered everything to God, but God saw me through, the things I left unsaid, and the pain I was carrying. I was so busy with my life that I didn’t even notice I’m hurt.  At first, God made me work hard, then told me to slow down, to enjoy the fresh air, to sit for days doing nothing, just staring into the sky. As I was doing it, I was gaining clarity and it was everything, I was meditating without even realizing it was meditation.

This is one catalyst which forced me to open up about her. It’s Paul Walker’s death. It forced me to think about the possibility of no tomorrow. Looking back, I don’t think that thought was my creation, it was placed. I wish he was still alive, maybe then I would have minded my own shit. When I talked about opening up, it didn’t mean that I had anything going on for her, it was just I became submissive to their force. Everyone forced me to make a move indirectly, and I was falling for their tactics. 

Some time ago, we went to a temple, and had to do some pooja, suddenly two of my tooths started emerging, then after some nights, these weird wounds appeared on my legs, and then the tooth stopped coming out. 

After that dream, someone was giving me directions. Every move I made, I did it with his permission. Whatever happened, he was preparing me. What if everything went right, that wretched woman would have ruined my life. They were trying to create a fairy tale for me, but God had other plans. Right now, when I think about them, all I want to do is hit their right eyes. I can see a mental picture of them sitting like that. I hope they lose many times than what they have gained. That much dirt at such a young age. Pathetic.

That morning, I still remember, the comfort I had waking up, it was like I took a bath, my eyelids were very pleasant. It was the weirdest morning, next to the day I had the dream that destroyed my life. And I noticed people’s displeasure that day like something they wanted to happen never happened, I could see frustration in their faces. The night before that I saw someone’s profile picture changed to Nagavalli which implied a lot. Clearly, he wasn’t happy with staying me there at that night. So, what was he afraid of?

Why would she go such lengths? When I went there, I saw someone who looks like Rashmika. And the problem with me was that I stopped believing in coincidences. So, I thought what if it’s a trap set for me. Why would such a girl appear in front of me at the same day she approached me. Of course, I didn’t fall for the bait, So, what if it was a desperate measure to gain something on that day. There was every chance for me to talk to that Rashmika, but I anticipated it. So, I behaved accordingly, keeping distance, walking in slow motion. When I was sitting there, I saw people stalking me, like they were giving update about my position. The way she approached me, it was very suspicious. She came straight to me looking at me, without wandering her eyes around. When we met, she asked me this, why didn't you contact me before the exam, it’s happening after I was openly rude to her. If I was in her position, not just me, any normal person wouldn’t even care after that. Someone is behind her

The vibes I was getting on the first few days were strange, I saw rage in them, something burning inside, and at that time, I knew something was going on. I choose not to respond, I tried switching off, but it never worked. One day, I had to put an end to it without being too mean, and I thought it to be over. When I was attending something else, she was there. It was no coincidence. So, who is she?