My diary

This place, it’s familiar. I know what’s going on. These events, it’s like I’m living it all over again. I know what’s going to happen next, and I know what I’m going to say. I want to tell myself secrets, to stay away from certain people, but I can’t. It’s like I’m powerless, and all I could do is watch. I can see myself chasing someone, the one who I have never laid eyes on for even five minutes, the one whose voice I have never heard. I wish I could tell myself to stop, but I’m helpless. That guy sitting next to me is telling things about her, and all he is doing is trapping me and I don’t realize. I wish I could become visible and smack him. I can’t do it, because I’m just a spectator of my own life, and all I could do is understand where I went wrong. That guy sitting next to me is manipulating me, and making me believe things. It never ended there, he was calling me on phone to talk about her, and it was driving me nuts before I fell into his trap. He made me believe that she had

It’s raining again. What should I do? I don’t have an umbrella with me, and I need to keep walking. People are running from the rain to find shelter, but they don’t care to look at the roof of the shelters they found. What if it’s leaking? They don’t care to examine it. I don’t want to find a shelter now and I’m completely aware that I’m fully wet, and it could make me sick the next day. Still, I’m in control of everything, and all I need to do is find a dry cloth. It’s not the same for them. They don’t realise what’s happening to them, and they think they are safe. It’s just an illusion. In reality, the water drops are finding their way without them realising. 

The pain, it’s getting more intense, and with every step I take, it’s consuming me. It’s burning me. I can put an end to it, but I choose not to. I want this pain to consume me to the extent that I become numb to it. It’s like being devoured by fire with nowhere to escape. After spending some time there, you get to walk through that fire, maybe dance a little, and you don’t get afraid of what you have become, and you choose to embrace it. This fire no longer gives me burns, and I’m learning to enjoy it, play with it, dream in it. And no one can douse this fire, for its intensity is beyond their understanding. If you need to feel what I’m going through right now, you need to come deep into the fire, and you will find me there resting. Would you come and find me?