Naive

XDA developers has some content regarding what was going inside my phone. I have uploaded the proof in that site including graphs showing how much excess data the background processes were taking. But everyone was telling me that after OS updating, there were no chances of any malware getting into my phone, but I didn’t see the malware in my home talking to me. This is the only reason why I was stubborn in getting an answer from her. My mind was presenting to me a lot of what if, and I felt like I had to clear it up. I did everything in my power to have a good conversation with her, but she wasn’t ready for anything. They even warned me from going back to her place, threatening to call Police if they ever found me roaming around her. And the folks in my home took advantage of that loophole. Something tells me I shouldn’t talk any further. What’s done is done. 

All my doors were closed, and my mind started to expect her in my place, hoping she would do the same, but I was naïve.

On my own

As a kid, I was always cautious of everything, how I walk, how I talk, going through the few exchanges over and over again. At school, I was always growing by myself, watching, listening to what I should be, leaving the boring lectures. For so long, I was this way, looking at people, how they interact, thinking out loud about why they do certain things, and I was finding answers on my own. I was bad at communication, but I was learning. But all of it made me who I’m today, all by myself. And after all of this, some people thought they can hurt me by leaving me behind.

Ruined everything

I wish he was not manipulative. I gave him more chances than he deserves, and what he did is ruin my life. When they started playing mind games, he made it worse. The things only me and the people in my college knew, he was using it. I asked many times with those people who I thought to be my friends that did they ever talk to him, but they lied. How else could he know everything that’s happening there. When he does the mind games with those people, I forgive him, hoping that this would be the last time he would be doing it, but he was never willing to stop. I used to have a happy place, and they ruined everything.

On purpose

There are some people in my life who thinks highly of themselves. They think I admire them, but all I do is nod, and most of the time I’m not even listening. There was a time when I used to follow such people, but not anymore. I can see right through them, their dirt and their lies. Some of them do on purpose, so that one day I snap, but I don’t feel anything besides sorry.

Saint

She was acting like a saint, after torturing me for four years. If she had no guts, she should have kept it to herself, why did she attempted to reach out to me through other people? If you look at my history, it’s clear that I never tried to stick where I feel like I didn’t belong. Every time, I tried to get an answer I was burning myself; I should have left it without giving her the benefit of doubt.

All I wanted was a normal conversation, but they were never ready to listen. 

Self-respect

The things I have done is absolutely insane. But I can’t blame myself for it, it’s their conditioning for four years, and they made me believe that she was talking through him. If she had any spine, she would have come forward, instead she kept her mouth shut. I doubt whether she would stand up for anything in her life. She should understand the value of something called self-respect. Without it, life is meaningless.

What I left unsaid

Some time ago, I surrendered everything to God, but God saw me through, the things I left unsaid, and the pain I was carrying. I was so busy with my life that I didn’t even notice I’m hurt.

 At first, God made me work hard, then told me to slow down, to enjoy the fresh air, to sit for days doing nothing, just staring into the sky. As I was doing it, I was gaining clarity and it was everything, I was meditating without even realizing it was meditation.