My diary

 Different perspectives, there is one it takes seven birth to earn a human life, another we just keep changing our gender on every birth. What would I like? Seven births maybe. What if I get a chance to see the clouds with all my memories intact reliving all my memories, making plans, dreaming about my next human life, but I want to stay a little longer, blending in, seeing everything this world has to offer, I refuse to believe that our life should be this short, maybe our beliefs will start to evolve, there is always more for the ones who is willing to accept it.

 What will I do if this is my last day of Life? Like every other day, I will breathe. We invite the monster to have a final say, and they try their best to close my eyes, and we fight just to keep our eye from getting closed. Muscles develop in our eyelids by doing so regularly. Sometimes I think how peaceful is to submit to the tendency to sleep, a deep and conscious sleep, but something keeps telling me it's not the kind of sleep anyone wish for, still I like when I was a kid, how I wake up looking at the clock, five more minutes, that comfort in sleeping that way, how five minutes feels like five seconds. 

 I was closing eyes and I felt like my soul was drifting away from my body. Maybe I'm not supposed to be alive right now, maybe I'm living my extended life. But I don't feel anything, because it is not anything new, it's like just another day, but I don't know when it gets fatal, one carelessness I will be watching myself far from my body. This is not fiction. 

 What if someday we start to manipulate our emotions, we have to cry because we need to, smile because the situation demands us to. Altogether we master our emotions, well, I'm becoming that way, way too sooner. But I'm finding comfort in the dance of my Ashes. They don't care what emotion what I'm in, we just dance our way out of this house, and see the Sunrise with my Feline friends who desperately needs me with them. Something to cheer for me.

 The tools haven't experienced, it's still out there. When I was 16, Music came to me, they woke me up from the Ashes I have become. Now I'm about to be 32, I had my first smoke, my life is becoming a little fun and easy. I don't what other tools in offer for me. I don't know my lips are hiding something even with a Cigarette. But we don't know what Tomorrow holds for us, maybe we will lift off from this ditch I have dug for myself. I have heard from somewhere that the Pain is only imaginary, what if I become immune to it, levels of pain, I'm at the top of it. But somehow this number 16 gives me hope.

I saw two ghosts in that room One tall one, another a lad tall one I thought it was my brother that lad was someone I know, I don't know how but he slammed my head on the bed But I fought and I opened my eyes from that world to this world

 Having truth on your side gives you some kind of power that goes even far beyond Death. Strength to face anything, forgive mistakes even if we do something insane. I haven't done anything that I can't say openly about, the one thing I kept it as a secret was this, we had so many kittens in our home, they were all feeding on syringes, of course, without needles. It was like four or five of them, but when I returned it to the place they rest, one of them was not responding well, it's health deteriorated and it fell and all these time I had this thought that if I placed it little more carefully, maybe it wouldn't have fallen. The next day, there was this Rose bloomed in front of our house, it felt like I had to do something, so I took it and placed above its grave, I think my mother saw that, and she had a good laugh about that. 

 There was a time when I wondered how will I close my eyes from now on. Now things are different, I don't want to close my world anymore. Instead I want to feel the light breeze outside and see the shining lights.

 What will I do if someday I have to move out of this house? I will travel to places no one reached. Why? Maybe I will find my broken pieces to fix myself like nothing ever happened in my life. Then where will I go, I will go to heights to be with clouds, and see a world outside of human perspective and someday I will come back to enjoy the rising sun and wish never an afternoon from now on. Instead we skip to the setting sun and finally welcome the  Moon to see the stars. 

 Why people are so stupid? I was like crossing the road through the Zebra line, the vehicles are supposed to slow down or watch the signals. But they never did and I was alone, so they never cared. I can see myself lying there with everything on my hand scattered. Everything is falling on slow motion.  

 Have you ever heard people older than a hundred years living as kids. There must be a choice to live with your memories or wipe it clean temporarily, I think most of the souls prefer wipe it clean, a natural childhood without Suspicion. When the time comes our Soul lets us to access the secrets.  

 Competition is everywhere. Why did I choose my parents, this location, there must be a strong reason. Maybe I want to blend in with the rest of the people or I had to wait because I had too much competition or I got too much enemies. It must be same for everyone. I don't think I'm weak for choosing this place and this situation, maybe I was a badass last life and I'm not an ordinary one. Having children is a blessing, but they don't know who are their children, they could be anyone.