My diary

Sometimes I wonder what I will do with my life if nothing works out. Money is not an answer for everything. To be like in movies, sipping beer bottles, in front of the TV, burning cigars, unfortunately, I don’t have any bad habits. I don’t know how my future is going to be, just taking one step after another until ask myself why? Sure, there will come a point when I start questioning, now I’m so busy, but a little after everyone settles down, that will be the time somethings are going to hurt me. I don’t know when I reached from 21 to 31, time almost flied. I don’t have a good memory, only struggles, and my bad time started from right there when others call it the prime of their life. Years ago, I almost gave up, that’s when God came to the rescue, it was peaceful, maybe I will consider that’s where I belong if everything goes wrong. I don’t want beer bottles or cigars, neither am I a big fan of television, I just simply rest within time without needing a clock.

I don’t know what’s happening to my life. But that night, it was real. People staring at me like I’m some kind of filth. Maybe it could be a joke or maybe not, but what I felt was real. People moving away when I get close to them. It never made much difference in my life except it’s now official. I walked alone from the beginning itself, now people just pave the way by moving away, the one thing I could do is not to look at their disgust. I know it could be a joke, but you have to experience it to know how it feels, chances are there that it could happen to me again and it doesn’t feel good. Joke or not, doesn’t make a difference.

I like this day, this month, full of tens, perfect alignment. More than that this year. Year of ten, year of mine. Got six months left for me to turn it around. I want to see how it goes. But it doesn’t come with no challenges. Now I can go on for weeks without sleep, my mileage got better. But I opened this document with sadness from within, I didn’t expect to write anything about this day, month or year, it somehow got into the place of my sadness. After that I’m still back on square one, it could be the music that’s playing on the background. Or my inside is sad beyond my understanding.

I’m not the same person anymore; that’s wrong. I was the same person back in 2005, but the world was not ready to accept me, they expected something else. Now I feel like I’m home. They wanted me to be everyone else, but I never felt the need to impress anyone, for me, I had no hero. I was my own hero, I fought my battles alone, and still fighting. I didn’t sprout yesterday; I’m carrying the experiences from the day I could remember. For me these hard days are just normal, another day in the battlefield. It was never easy growing up.

Maybe I’m used to this fighting, staying alive. It’s like every other day. I don’t remember the last time I slept in peace. My eight-hour sleep is cut shortened to five or ten minutes; I want it to call it as deep sleep. I should be worried, I’m not seeing a way out, some kind of help needs to come.

Well, last day’s curry is starting to work, but not in harmony. I still wonder why my inside’s crying. I shouldn’t, I know some reasons, but I’m sure that are not the reasons. I must be seeing something, feeling it, something’s happening outside my zone. I want to smile, still it’s not getting the full backup, my face is not cooperating. Must be the wind.